Oom Krisjan en die manne have been enthusiastically following the Olympics from their bar stools, but somehow managed to miss the events that caught the eye of some NBC commentators:
Weightlifting: ”This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
Basketball: ”He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
Rowing medal ceremony: ”Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
Soccer: ”Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got 11 Dicks on the field.”
Tennis: ”One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them … Oh my God, what have I just said?”
Dressage: ”This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
Softball: ”If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
Paul Hamm, gymnast: ”I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
Boxing: ”Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
Free rein
A big debate has been sparked about the true meaning of democracy in the Dorsbult after the receipt of the latest missive from the Inkatha Freedom Party. The party continues to send out media releases with the phrase ”democracy means freedom to choose” boldly written at the top of its letterhead. At the bottom of the same letterhead, they tell us that one Mr LPHM Mtshali is the party’s national chairperson. We thought the people had exercised their freedom to choose when they elected Dr Ziba Jiyane.
Independent interdict
And, talking about letterheads, Oom Krisjan couldn’t help noticing that the press statement in which Butcher Matutle, the manager of the office of the chairperson of the National Council of Provinces (NCOP), ”who took it upon himself” to try and interdict the Mail & Guardian from revealing the undeclared interests of the NCOP chairperson, Joyce Kgoali, was on a plain sheet of paper. Given that Matutle stood up in court and confidently claimed he was representing the interests of the NCOP, Kgoali and various other presiding officers — all of whom have since emphatically denied being consulted on the action after it was thrown out of court — Parliament is obviously nervous about letting him write on anything that might be official looking.
Closed debate
The hardworking communications officers at the Meadowlands police station perhaps also deserve to have their letterheads removed in case they embarrass their bosses. This week they released a profound statement about the real causes of crime. ”According to the Institute of Security Studies survey done between 2001 to 2003, the community states that the youth and the unemployed are causing crime.” There. This debate is now closed.
Bootlegging
Now, we know the Zim government is short a lot more than the price of a round of the cheapest witblits at the Dorsbult, but having already seized most of the farms in the country it is now going for anything else it can get its hands on. According to the Zimbabwe Independent:
”The Zimbabwean government wants to keep the plane that flew the suspected mercenaries into Harare and the $200 000 the men had on them when they were arrested. It is also after their boots. The plane is valued at between $3-million and $5-million, but no valuation was immediately available for the mercenaries’ boots. Zimbabwe’s Chief Law Officer Stephen Musona last week made a formal application to Magistrate Mishrod Guvamombe: ‘We apply that there be forfeiture of the plane, money and the boots.”’
Safety first
Some of the mampoer which is served under the counter at the Dorsbult has often been described as a ”biological weapon” by the uninitiated. So, Lemmer went to a new United States government website, http://www.ready.gov, for tips on how to make the bar safe from terrorists. We found some signs, but had to come-up with our own instructions to accompany them.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After five minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.