Once again South African rugby is in trouble. Last time it was Straeuligate, which led to Staaldraadhekkie where otherwise respectable Springbok rugby stars were forced to scrum in the nude, cook eggs with nothing but the warmth of their personalities and spend long nights in the bush plucking (sic) dead chickens. From this rough discipline their coach, Rudolph Straeuli, said they would emerge even more manly than before.
All that nonsense is, like Straueli, far behind us and we now have just as manly a team. Going through a bit of an uneven patch at the moment, rescue for South African rugby has come in the shape of much needed advice from that crucible of rugby wisdom and foresight, the African National Congress Youth League. (ANCYL). Already this august body has been successful in improving matters by no more effort than calling a quick news conference and announcing the team changes they require for each match. Their input was evident in the hammering the Springboks delivered to Scotland last Saturday. The ANCYL believe that the codes of democracy need to be taken into account if South Africa is ever to have another chance at being the stars of the world theatre of rugby.
My mole in the ANCYL has slipped me some highly confidential information about the league’s demands for the new Springbok team. It makes for some thrilling reading. What seems obvious from a glance at the new team is that the ANCYL values strong political input. If we can’t out-run and out-ruck them, let’s do it by guile and subtlety, they say. And let’s be truly representative at last — not only of race and political leaning, but of gender, too.
The ANCYL front row will consist of props Ngconde Balfour and Stella Sigcau, with Marthinus van Schalkwyk as the hooker with the fastest set of feet in the business. Remember how he mauled one party after another and got capped by all of them? No heels against the head with Kortbroek. No-nonsense locks will be that supreme rucker, Eugene Terre’Blanche (chosen by the ANCYL as a demonstration of their commitment to true representativity), and deep-thinking Ebrahim Rasool. Sturdy eighth person will be Winnie Madikizela-Mandela. Strike this woman and you’ll have to strike at least two rocks on the way. Flanks will be Ronnie Kasrils with Thabo Mbeki in his element on the blind side.
There was no debate when it came to selecting Patricia de Lille as scrum-half; chosen no doubt for her unerring ability to make the best of any loose play while psychologically unnerving any opposition with her shrill alarm calls.
The back line will consist of the tried and tested, with ever evasive Ryan Coetzee at fly-half, those cunning brothers-in-law-courts, Peter Marais and Gerald Morkel, as centres. Wings will be the ever nimble Aziz Pahad and Alec Erwin, the latter famed for the startling changes of pace he achieves through clever deployment of his speed-brake ears. Full-back will be Tony Leon, if only because of his strong instinct to kick anything into touch. This position also keeps him comfortably clear of any frays.
As important as any team will be its support structure and here the ANCYL has excelled itself. Who better as a team coach-cum-whip than the officially recognised intellectual and tactician, Max du Preez — better a pale native than no native at all. Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang will be team dietician and will double as public relations officer. Her sheer lovability will melt the hardest of media hearts. Helen Zille was a unanimous choice as a ‘time to task” team physiotherapist.
Team financial officer was an easy choice and when asked, Deputy President Jacob Zuma, a truly hard grafter, was only too eager to grab those reins. Other niceties include a few appropriate touches. All yellow cards will be printed by the New National Party, all red ones by the South African Communist Party.
According to my mole, team management will not be left to bumble along like it did in plutocracies of old. For example, under ANCYL laws, balls will not be all white but rainbow-coloured. The team will be sponsored by a black economic empowerment group only known at this time as Fight All Racist Tours (Fart).
The ANCYL’s choices for the reserve bench are truly inspired. Mosiuoa ‘Terror” Lekota will be a defence stand-by of notable strength. With an eye to tactical planning, who better on the team as a ‘blood double” than Mangosuthu himself. Apart from having spent her entire life on one bench or another, Sheila Camerer would give a welcome feminine touch to the reserves. And the free-range winger of all time, Tony Yengeni, completes the bill.
The side has a hectic schedule, which, to the relief of many, will keep those involved well away from the South African political front line for many months. Imagine the progress that can be made with these movers and shakers out of the way.
The side begins its life with an away game against a Cuban 15 (Castro’s Castratos), followed by successive home fixtures against the Mugabe 15 (The Zim Hunger Strikers), then Moammar Gadaffi’s highly rated Raging Desert Goats. It promises to be a captivating season.