/ 6 May 2005

Beware of leaks bearing gifts

Once again my mole in high places has come through with some fascinating information; information that is being withheld from release to the public on the grounds that it might cause ”unnecessary panic”. In the spirit of fearless exposure for which this newspaper is so admired, I am publishing the information here.

The highly confidential documentation has leaked from the Department of Celebrations, Festivities, Commemorations, Ceremonies and Revelry. Here are some extracts from the department’s calendar for June this year. It is not surprising that news of these innocent expressions of joy and pride at democratic achievement may cause ”unnecessary panic”. So read the following at your peril.

On June 2 an open-air braai and pop-concert will be held at Waterkloof air base to celebrate the signing of the R5-billion contract between the Ministry of Defence and Airbus Industrie for the delivery, sometime after 2010, of eight M-400 military transport aircraft. No less than 401½ jobs will be created by this deal, along with an incalculable wealth of technological information — like how many wings an M-400 Airbus has, at which end the pilots should sit and so on. Budget allocation for this party will be R1,7-million, with the usual 20% over-run allowance should the sheer euphoria of the participants stimulate them to vandalise the air base.

On June 8 the establishment of the Southern African Development Community will be commemorated with the first in a series of specially discounted symposia. The highly distinguished African despot, President Robert Mugabe, will be the keynote speaker. Estimated costs, to include marquee-hire, catering, travel and accommodation, the Boston Symphony Orchestra, security, praise-strippers, souvenir gold cufflinks, tanzanite necklaces and Mugabe’s appearance fee, will be in the order of R4-million, including VAT.

The upcoming appointment of internationally recognised vitamin-guru, Dr Matthias Rath, as special adviser on HIV/Aids treatment to Health Minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, will be marked on the 13th by what is categorised as a ”mid-range welcoming piss-up and romp” to be held, as a gesture of human respect, at least 700m from any Rotary or Round Table hospice. Overflow patients of any hospices just outside this range and currently in temporary tented wards on the pavement, will be moved inside for the duration of the festivities.

A heavily restricted budget of R1,7-million has been earmarked for what is described in the documentation as a ”200-person private parliamentary function” to be held at the Beacon Island hotel at Plettenberg Bay. The inspiration for this event is the abandonment of any parliamentary internal disciplinary measures taken in respect of those MPs accused of corruption during the Travelgate scandal.

A politically redolent week-long observance will take place on the 23rd with the theme-congress ”We Did It Our Way” at the Gallagher Estate. At this seminar/ceremony, tribute will be paid to those party luminaries who, despite lamentable records of mismanagement, gross financial maladministration and blistering incompetence, have been reappointed to positions in top government structures. Some of these dignitaries will deliver papers on how to bring flourishing parastatals and local goverment organisations to their knees. Guest of honour will be Mr Truman Prince, still clinging on as African National Congress municipal manager of Beaufort West. The seminar will last for two days, with the rest of the week being spent in drunken remorse.

A minor highlight of the month will be on the 24th, a low-profile Caesar’s Palace banquet and ball to celebrate the 10 000th appearance on SABC3 news of President Thabo Mbeki during the first six years of his golden age — a global record of 32 times a week, and average of six-out-of-seven times each week as the leading item. (This is a new all-Africa record.) Costs of the celebration will be shared between the SABC and the Government Communication and Information System.

Celebrations will also take place in various lesser substructures such as municipalities. These will include a week-long, all-expenses paid luxury liner cruise up the East Coast for winners and three runners-up in the nationwide inter-municipality competition for the most luxurious new mayoral limousine acquired during the current financial year. In order to comply with recent belt-tightening imperatives from central government, only the top five bureaucrats in any municipality will be allowed to take the cruise.

Towards the end of the month, much interest will be paid to the one-day international conference on poverty relief to be held at the Lost City, This will be followed by the three-day Grand Trencherman Gala in which delegates will compete in a fun-filled competition to see who can eat the most smoked salmon, pâté de foie gras and caviar in three hours. As a motion of goodwill, the Department of Nutrition will be picking up the tab for this event.

Apart from a low-budget (R150 000) luncheon party to mark the first three months in ANC beachware livery of Marthinus van Schalkwyk, that about wraps up June’s revelries.

Due to circumstances beyond control, the predicted costs of the June revelries exceed the approved parties and festivities budget for any one month. Later monthly celebrations will be trimmed accordingly.