Opinion in England is divided over whether Jimmy Hill is an institution or ought to be put in one. We found out what Jimmy Hill would do if he ran the country and, as a follow-up, I’d like to hear what the country would do if it ran Jimmy Hill.
I have only ever seen Hill once in public. It was at Craven Cottage in the days when Fulham’s line was led by Phil Stant, a forward whose name, perhaps not unfittingly, sounded like a type of bonding solution you’d buy from the Screwfix catalogue. Hill made a parade around the pitch before kick-off, beaming and waving to fans despite the fact that several hundred Grimsby fans were loudly serenading him with a song about his alleged fondness for self-abuse.
It was a performance of presidential proportions. Sadly, for anyone hoping for a real football slant being applied to the governance of Britain, Jimmy’s proposals hardly seemed to draw on the game at all. Putting businessmen in charge of the nation, for example, is no recipe for success.
As every fan knows, businessmen will, in all likelihood, simply try to sell Britain off as a supermarket site and propose a country-share with Norway instead (it makes sense; after all, the Norwegians hardly use most of it). When the United Nations turns down this idea, Britain will be homeless, forced to play all her fixtures away or, worse still, take up residence in Milton Keynes.
Hill would also like to bring back hanging. I found this surprising from a former head of the Professional Footballers’ Association. After all, players are always moaning about suspensions. And he didn’t voice the view that the government’s proposed identity card scheme should be scrapped in favour of compulsory numbered bibs for all citizens.
With Hill unwilling or unable to take the lead, I am afraid I will have to do it, if only in a caretaker role until Jose Mourinho (who recently turned down the post of pope when he learned it was something in the way of an assistant position) comes on board as gaffer of the Football Party’s shadow boot room.
Under the Football Party, public transport will be scrapped and the money used to provide every citizen with a sponsored Lexus (though only real wallies will drive them, obviously, because all the top lads have Humvees). The speed limit will be raised to 240kph and there will be random compulsory breath tests, with anyone caught under the legal limit fined two weeks’ wages for ”not being a good laugh”. Road tax on Italian marques and sports utility vehicles will be abolished.
On law and order, we will see an introduction of instant punishments. Instead of entrusting minor felons to the costly and haphazard legal process, police officers will be empowered to order the offender to run 10 times round the park with his shirt off, do 100 press-ups or wear a baseball cap bearing the legend ”Plonker” for a week.
A panel of retired referees such as Jeff Winter, Neil Midgeley and David Elleray will replace the Law Lords. This will fundamentally change the nature of the decision-making process while preserving the irrational and arbitrary element of British justice that has made it the envy of the world. Legal terms will be redefined with manslaughter becoming ”an over-enthusiastic challenge”, attempted murder ”handbags” and mass murder ”something of nothing, really, Gabby”.
With the Football Party in power, the nation will feel more secure. We will insist that the defence secretary is always over six feet tall because everybody feels a lot happier with a big lad in there. Defence spending would be increased tenfold because, without that platform, the people further forward won’t have the confidence to go out and express themselves.
On the education front, we will radically overhaul the national curriculum, making it vocationally focused to ensure that British school leavers are more capable of meeting employment needs. Lessons will run from 10am to 1pm with compulsory afternoon snooker sessions. ”Making up a CD to play in the dressing room to get the boys wound up before kick-off”, will become a major facet of the music syllabus and new General Certificate of Secondary Education subjects will include card games, organising a sweepstake and shopping for labels.
Higher education will be abolished because nobody feels comfortable when there’s a ”prof” around. Instead, degrees will be awarded based on continual assessment of life skills with a PhD from the University of Hard Knocks for anybody who left school at 16 with no qualifications, but has a six-bedroom house next to a golf course or owns a racehorse.
With five years until the next election, we have plenty of time to get our ideas across to the public. And rest assured, we will be doing so from now on by using wild hand gestures coupled with yells of ”channels, channels”, forehead slapping and water-bottle throwing. — Â