Zulu yawn
Oprah is a Zulu. Her words, not Lemmer’s. “I feel so at home here,” she told the press during her visit last week. Why? “I went in search of my roots and had my DNA tested, and I am Zulu.” Dok Rabie says he’s thrilled for Oprah and her long-lost neefies en niggies, but isn’t sure how she got such a detailed diagnosis since DNA testing can only identify four large racial groups (Native-American, Indo-European, East Asians and Africans). Still, how lovely to trace one’s roots back to a country that has five-star hotels, rather than to some stricken West African country where the locals won’t pay R500 a head for motivational speeches.
Who’s queen?
Speaking of stricken African countries, Lemmer would like to use this opportunity to congratulate Nothando Dube, former Miss Teen Swaziland finalist and, as of Saturday, the 12th wife of King Mazawattee the Shagged-Out. It is truly a blessing to have been plucked by his majesty: what with all those royal duties (changing the oil in the Maybach, shopping with Mrs Mswati XI and polishing the reeds) she’ll be technically employed, unlike a third of her compatriots. Lemmer is tempted to wish the 18-year-old a long life, but since the life expectancy of Swazi women is 34, he feels a little uncharitable wishing her just 16 more years. Instead, he hopes she’ll become the Methuselah of the kingdom by making it all the way past 40.
A gentle zwell
An earthquake off the coast of northern California on Wednesday triggered a tsunami alert in the state, but the warning was quickly withdrawn when no wave materialised. Now Lemmer would like to suggest a new term for tsunamis that don’t materialise: in honour of Congress of South African Trade Unions secretary general Zwelinzima Vavi, who pronounced that any effort to prevent Jacob Zuma’s ascension to president would be like “trying to fight against the big wave of the tsunami”, Lemmer submits that in future all -oceanic non-events are called Vavis.
More revisionism at the end of the day
As usual, Vrot Snoek is -confused. He’s been watching South African Breweries’s television ads in which the youth are urged to remember and honour their standard-bearing predecessors of 1976. “For their resilience, for their determination,” say the ads, as lager is solemnly poured into the ground. “Pay your respects.” But, asks Vrot Snoek, weren’t the youth of 1976 fighting for young peoples’ belief in freedom of cultural and political expression? Can this be the same South African Breweries that did its best to vivisect Laugh It Off? And does this mean if you take pot shots at monolithic states, you’re a hero, but if you do the same at monolithic corporations, you’re a criminal?