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Fame! Remember my name

Vrot Snoek was loitering outside at the African National Congress national general council last week, waiting to see if he’s going to have to dump the ”100% Mbeki” T-shirts he’s been printing. That’s where he heard a nearby police walky-talky crackle, ”Car for Minister van Schalkwyk.” The fuzz holding the receiver looked nonplussed. ”Wie?” he asked. ”Car for Minister van Schalkwyk,” came the reply. Once again: ”Wie?” And so it went, back and forth, until the voice finally squawked, ”Car for Kortbroek!” At once, the car was summoned …

More Mugarbage

The manne are always bok for a good conspiracy theory, but even they had to shake their heads when the pro-Mugabe Herald newspaper reported last week that Britain and the United States were using unspecified ”unconventional” chemical weapons on Zimbabwe to induce the country’s drought. According to the report, the US Famine Early Warning System had predicted famine in Zimbabwe a full six months before it began and, as we all know, accurate predictions are only arrived at by indulging in homosexuality, occult deviance and imperialism. ”The prediction … seems to confirm that the conspiracy to remove the Zimbabwean government has gone chemical,” read the report. Seeming to confirm that the conspiracy to remove higher brain functions from Zimbabwe has gone critical.

The New Criticism

When Langarm Le Roux, Dorsbult’s piano tuner and amateur art and music critic, locked himself into his car and refused to come out, the manne were perplexed. Until he showed them the placard of Tuesday’s Daily Voice: ”Taxi mafia kill critic.” Was the victim a modernist or post-modernist, Langarm demanded to know, and if the latter, had he made the fatal blunder of declaring the concept of the four-wheeled taxi both naive and antiquated? The manne tried explaining that the victim had merely criticised taxi thugs, but Langarm is still in his car.

Talk is cheap

The Lemmer clan has never been overly fond of British royals, at least not since Great-Grandmother Lemmer’s farmhouse was used for artillery practice in 1902. But Oom Krisjan can’t stand by when someone is being unfairly accused, even if it is the inbred spawn of chinless imperialist devils, so he couldn’t help wondering why the International Express, a British tabloid, was whining this week that the monarchy costs every Limey 61p a year. After all, Brits spend around £650-million a year on tabloids, or £13 a person. If royal skinner comprises just 10% of the rags, you’re looking at every Britain eagerly paying £1,30 to read about the monarchy. Next to that, 61p a year to keep the Queen in corgis doesn’t seem too steep.

Readers wishing to alert Oom Krisjan to matters of national or lesser importance can do so at [email protected]

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