When Lemmer checks his e-mail he expects the usual advertisements for (entirely redundant) penis enlargements — ahem — and the odd somewhat creepy briefie from Sannah Hanna-Hanna, his recently divorced childhood sweetheart, asking him for directions to Dorsbult. So, when he got spam of a different nature this week it was such a delightful change that he actually read it. Sent by ”Itsallwrite” and hawking a creative writing workshop, it asked, ”Are you A) Bored in Bryanston? B) Desperate in Dainfern? C) Frustrated in Fourways? D) Hapless in Hyde Park? E) Stuck in Sandhurst?” Lemmer was just starting to wonder why ”Stultified in Soweto” or ”Gagging in Gugulethu” hadn’t also been invited, when he read that this course was for those who have ”dreamed of writing a book, or simply want to … meet like-minded people”. Like-minded as in other desperate white housewives who have also grown tired of writing cheques and now want to write books instead?
Cash in transit
The manne down at the Dorsbult would never endorse criminal behaviour, but there were cries of ”Respect!” when they heard this week that a gardener named Collin Dzapasi had been arrested for stealing $420-million from his employer’s house. Grudging admiration turned into unreserved adulation when it further emerged that he’d gone on a bender with ”girlfriends”: as Vrot Snoek said, let he who has never dreamt of stealing $420-million from his boss before high-tailing it on a dop-fuelled love-romp cast the first stone. But further investigation by Dok Rabie burst everyone’s bubble: Dzapasi’s heist took place in Harare’s Mount Pleasant suburb, and the three suitcases he purloined contained Zim dollars. His final score? R108 000. Ag shame.
Now you see it…
When Lemmer heard that high-tech equipment used to track awaiting trial prisoners had been stolen, he wondered whether the Department of Correctional Services even knows what irony is. His doubts were heightened by one Jack Shilubane, who announced that the equipment had ”literally disappeared”. Poof!
… now you don’t.
None of the manne were surprised to hear that Eskom has managed to gag Earthlife Africa, after its lawyers blithely gave the environmental group sensitive documents about a planned pebble-bed reactor. The fact that the bean- spilling was ”accidental” hasn’t reassured Oom Krisjan in the least, and he has to wonder whether it can be a very good idea to have a bunch of absolute mamparas fiddling about with nuclear power.