Another week of new stories, showing that the world at large is more bizarre and deranged than you and I could ever dream of, Horatio. Think I’m kidding? Let’s start off with the Gary Larson-like effect of animals trapped in a world with humans in charge.
For instance, did you hear the one about the stupid dog that fell off a cliff, then was bitten by a snake, and then gored by a wild animal? The following news item is for cat owners everywhere. Read The Accident-Prone Dog.
Staying with animals, maybe we’d get a better government here if we started registering our pets to vote. Take the case of the New Zealand Dog That Registered to Vote.
What happens if you steal someone’s dog and hold it to ransom? How do you prove you’ve got the dog? One dumb-ass dognapper decided — in order to get a dizzyingly high $100 ransom — to send a dog owner a packet of the dog’s own poo to “prove” that he had the dog. Try Dognapper Sends Dog Poo.
Returning to this continent, it must be hell to be a dog or cat in Ethiopia. Why? According to this news report, at least 750 assorted domestic animals have been eaten by lions, apparently “disturbed by deforestation”. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a wild animal without an opposing thumb so you can’t hold a sign saying “Don’t cut down our trees” — you have to resort to violence. (Oh and a paltry 20 peasants also ended up as lion poo.) Read Lions Kill 750 Pets and 20 Peasants in Ethiopia.
More animal news, and this time it’s guinea pigs that score big. According to Reuters, there’s a New World Record for the Most Valentine’s Day Cards Sent to a Guinea Pig. And in other guinea-pig virtual-world news, a “plague” has hit players of online game World of Warcraft. Read this report from the BBC about A Dirty Virtual Guinea Pig.
In rabbit news, a Vienna art group decided to show the world what a large, 60m-long pink bunny on the side of a mountain would look like. It actually looks pretty good: The Big Pink Bunny. If you like your rabbits to waggle their ears to let you know that e-mail has arrived, try the Wi-Fi E-Mail Rabbit.
For those of you who need go boldly where few pet owners have gone before, have a look at the photograph and story about Green Hamster Sperm. Of course, if you have some duct tape, a lightweight knife and some time to kill, you could always Turn Your Hamster into a Mean Fighting Machine.
Moving on to the territory of humans. How do you know it’s a really slow news day? When a musician tearing up a newspaper makes headlines in the local paper. Read Neil Young Tears up Newspaper.
Think this through. You’re in the United States, at an airport. You miss your flight, but your luggage is on the plane. You also happen to be Muslim. Do you: a) shut up, or b) make a comment to local airport staff, saying “Hey, what if there was a bomb in my luggage?”. Find the answer at Muslim Man Makes Bomb Comment.
Thailand sucks. How do we know? The new Miss Thailand (an Australian) didn’t realise she’d actually have to stay in the damn country for a year, so she gave up the crown and left. Read Miss Thailand Leaves Thailand.
Why I like the Dutch, part 78. Not only do they have a TV show called Shoot Up and Swallow, but the host of that show plans to take LSD and heroin live for the show. Read Live Sex, Drug-Taking on Dutch Reality TV.
Speaking of swallowing, for those stupid people who can’t take responsibility for their own lives and who seriously think the alignment of far distant and unconnected celestial star systems has something to do with the state of their lives, read An ‘Aries’ Man Sues Newspaper over Negative Horoscope.
And speaking of poo, here’s an advert McDonald’s that you won’t see publicised by the fast-food chain. An escaped convict on the run — in his underpants — takes the time to stop and ask a home owner for directions to the nearest McDonald’s.
What’s worse than having your milk delivery stolen? Correct — having your milk stolen and being left with a note taunting and mocking you about the fact that you’re going to have eat dry cereal: Milk Thief Leaves Mocking Note.
Ninja goodness! A big group of ninjas descended on a shop this week, trashed the place and stole, among other things, a golf cart. Read Ninja Mayhem.
The wife of Fiji’s president caught a burglar this week who clearly wasn’t trained in ninja stealth techniques. How do we know this? The burglar broke in and Started Doing a Workout to Music.
In the “I have no brain” department: car thieves steal a car from a garage and then return an hour later to fill up the tank, presumably thinking no one will Recognise the Car.
Lucky customers on a Ferris wheel got to watch a porn movie being made, until police broke it
up and discovered it was some kind of odd sociological experiment. Read Porn on the Ferris Wheel.
Crazy-people department. Here’s a good example of religions trying to pretend to be relevant when they’re not any more. The Vatican has decided to let crazy people pretend they’re important enough to be possessed by devils again. (One way of raising the entertainment factor in daily religion, I suppose.) Read Vatican Resumes Medieval Rituals of Exorcism.
And in other cult news (yes, Enid, all religions are cults), there is now a special “100-minute version” of the Bible, so that you can ignore it as you do the full-length one — but now you can ignore it much, much faster.
Team America World Police was a lousy film. Matt Stone and Tray Parker have made much cleverer and funnier films in the past (most notably the über-gorgeous Orgazmo, detailing a young Mormon’s adventures in porn). Nonetheless, those of you who saw Team America will recall how North Korea’s leader was portrayed. For a great glimpse into the minds of North Korean geeks, and specifically North Korean geeks who chat online in English, go read their horrified reactions at North Korean No Humour Zone.
And the US continues to make ever more stupid, banal and conceptually juvenile films that are technically brilliant but little else. (Those who saw the garbage like the recent Crash will know what I mean.) Take, for instance, this in-production film, where the title contains all you need to know about the film. Read Snakes on a Plane.
A baker cashes in on the Da Vinci crap — er, code — and creates ‘Da Vinci Diet’. US fatties respond and make him rich. Read The Da Vinci Diet.
In sad but still funny mode, a schizophrenic artist handcuffs himself to a tree. Apparently he changed his mind at some point — but it was too late. Read Three Years Later His Body Is Found.
So, you’re someone’s bitch in cell block 11, and you’re curious about the tattoos that other prisoners have. Go see how many tough and hardened criminals have unicorns, bunnies and other cute things tattooed on their bodies at Top Tattoos of Missouri Prison Inmates.
See if you’re one of the lucky nerds and geeks found on this page, which has gathered up large quantities of great pictures of the manly Men of the Internet!
Free download time. There’s goodies aplenty to listen to, at Aurgasm — browse through The Musical History of New Orleans.
Until the next time, if world news, animals and ninjas don’t get me.