As Bill Hicks said, once upon a time: “If I seem cruel and vicious, you have to understand that it’s because I am.” Now that’s understood, let’s go indulge in cruelty — which is often good for a laugh.
For those of you who don’t understand irony, learn how you can help defeat the forces of good in the world at So You’ve Decided to Be Evil.
Now drool over this lovely pre-fab cage that you can buy to seal in your child on those long weekends away when you need to drink heavy sans spawn. Have a look at the cool confines of The Baby Cage.
I bet you there isn’t a single kind of sob story that isn’t covered at this first cyber-begging site. Every button you can think of — from “cancer” and “single mom” variants to calls to God, Jeezus and, of course, the military — is pushed to get you to part with your cash. Look at the topics covered at Cyber Beggar Member Pages. The desperate attempts to push your emotional buttons continues at Cyber Beg.
You might want to put on soft violin music in the background when you browse the messages at Save Me Sites. The list of casualties continues to grow at the Debt Free Me Network.
An admittedly sharp female huckster reached cyber-begging godhood some years back by getting enough donations to cover her $20 000 credit-card debt. Read her own initial “advice” at Pretty Fat Bank Account. Then smell the smug satisfaction — okay, yes, I’m jealous, dammit — at Save Karyn.
You’d have to ask what kind of bimbo would get $20 000 into debt to start with, but that’s getting into the subject of debt slavery and the whole nonsense idea that you can “afford” the rubbish they show you on TV by getting the imaginary thing called “credit”.
Back to the beggars, read about the man who still has a very, very long way to go before he can finally get the car of his dreams, at Ed Needs a Hummer.
More in keeping with the Howard Stern Show‘s prizes, there is a titillating site by a woman who was hunting for donations to increase her breast size. Now the op’s been done, she very kindly keeps visitors — er — abreast of her life and situation: Give Boobs.
For minimalist Zen simplicity, there’s something rather cute about the beg site Can You Send Me Money for Sex Toys?.
If — unlike me — you actually had a genuinely happy childhood and have realised how boring and shallow it’s made you, well, it’s never too late to invent a complete alternative childhood history, filled with a variety of horrors — from abuse and rapes to near-death experiences. And you whiney, humourless little bitches out there who feel the need to complain to the ombudsman, on behalf of everyone else, at every mention of the supposedly “less fortunate” in your view — I’m one of them, so grow up, shut up and cope with it privately. Us cripples like laughing at ourselves, a fact that few “normal, well-adjusted people” comprehend or even understand. Heh, I had to share that.
Anyhow, here’s a company that will provide you with everything you need to manifest all the signs and after-effects of a vile horrifying childhood (and thus become a much more multifaceted human being). Explore the joys of Create a Fake Horrifying Childhood and Become a More Interesting Person.
In keeping with laughing at the defenceless, here are some T-shirts for sale that really need a South African audience. Try “Yes, I Have Change, You Homeless Piece of Sh*t, Thanks for Asking”. That’s not forgetting the joys of “Some of My Best Friends Are White People”. Browse more juicy goodies at T-Shirt Hell.
If you need some basic templates for composing the right tone of total insult when sending someone a piece of your mind, try the large volumes of collections of hate mail at An Introduction to Hate Mail.
Here’s your prize for reading to the end of the column! As you know, the internet was created for three things: military communication, revolution and pornography. Now, porn seems to leave a bad taste in the mouth for many people. However, looking at 2 000-year-old wall art showing porn in action tells me that humans always have liked porn and always will.
Nowadays there’s way more choice open to us, so there are even communities dedicated to savouring the cheerfully cheesy and evil delights of “bad” porn — porn written by folks who seem to have no clue about sentence construction or human anatomy. This is adults-only territory, so any kids reading this, go Google Gary Glitter or something. The rest of you — slide into wonderful badly written text porn at Inferior Erotica.
To get a sense of just how low you can go in the “furry fetish” genre, read the transcript of an online cyber-sex chat session called The Lion, The Bitch and No Wardrobe.
Until the next time, if CS Lewis’s estate doesn’t get me.