The challenge is set as you enter the city on the Avenida 25 Julho. For no apparent reason, the rattling chapa (minibus taxi) on the dual carriageway ahead swerves maniacally to the left. Peculiar, you think, just as your own vehicle submerges up to the axle into its first Mozambican crater. Welcome to Maputo. Hope you have a nice car insurance policy.
For the novice driver in Maputo, it is important to know that, since the Portuguese built the roads 50 years ago, approximately R26,50 has been invested in highway maintenance. And most of that went missing. As a result, the road surface is slightly unreliable. Or to put it another way, the road surface is a series of monstrous potholes interspersed with some crumbling gravel patches with puddles the size of Lesotho.
More than one Maputo visitor has been overheard saying, with touching naivety: “Gosh, the civil war really devastated this city. I mean, just look at all those shell holes in the roads.” It’s best not to mention to these innocents that there never was any shelling of Maputo. Mind you, for a visitor, it’s an understandable mistake to make.
For we residents, the crumbling edifices and ruined roads add to Maputo’s authentic atmosphere. Besides, the city’s inhabitants know where the worst potholes lurk like tiger traps. Visitors don’t have that advantage. But, at least you can be forewarned. Hence the following quick reference guide to the type of hazard awaiting you on Maputo’s avenidas and ruas. The potholes are graded in reverse order of terror.
The Mogadishu Mortar Trench (sometimes called the Windhoek Light): This one covers most of the road, so that avoiding it is tricky. Tends to be shallow and will only wreck exhausts on overloaded vehicles. Found on sidestreets leading to residences and to Avenida Friedrich Engels. Not a great challenge to negotiate, but a suitable starting point for the novice.
The Sarajevo Light Artillery Shell Crater: This type is usually small, round and deep. The potholes are large enough for one wheel to sink into, though too small to completely wreck your axle. Sarajevos are randomly distributed on main avenues. They are sometimes filled in when important dignitaries visit (such as that nice Colonel Gadaffi) but a few days’ rain normally restores them.
The Baghdad Bomb Blast: Things are beginning to look ominous for your vehicle now. These potholes are best described as multiple Sarajevos on the one spot with an impressive spread and depth. If taken at speed, damage to your vehicle may be terminal and your exhaust system will definitely be torn off. Typically found on secondary thoroughfares. Approach with caution.
The Lebanese Labyrinth (sometimes known simply as “The Beirut”): Land Rovers have a fifty-fifty chance of surviving this monster, normal cars won’t make it. The feared Beirut is characterised by a lethal combination of depth, width and concealment. They tend to lurk where least expected, like just down from the British High Commission on Avenida Karl Marx. The Beirut commands respect even from chapa drivers and may explain why some of them drive around the city in crash helmets. This alone should tell you something. Avoid as you would malaria, venomous snakes and amateur community theatre productions.
The Black Hole of Kabul: Maputo’s rarest pothole species is also its most deadly. If you enter a Kabul, not only is your vehicle a write-off but you need a ladder just to climb out of the hole. Especially treacherous after rain when they appear to be innocent lakes, Kabuls look like the City Council has dug a hole to work on the drains 10m down. They haven’t. Point to remember: mobile telephone reception inside Kabuls can be patchy, so do bring your satellite phone to call for that ladder.
In the unlikely event your vehicle survives the potholes slalom, do stop at one of the several good bars and treat yourself to a celebratory Laurentina beer. Before doing so, you may wish to adopt the local custom of smashing the corner of your windscreen on the passenger side. This stops entrepreneurs from “borrowing” it. And should your windscreen wipers or sidelights go missing, you can buy them back at the next set of traffic lights.