Honourable representatives, esteemed ambassadors, ladies and gentlemen of the press, and our young visitors from Mammy Jubilation’s Old Timey Kindergarten up yonder in the cheap seats; welcome to this session of the United Nations General Assembly, my first as Secretary General.
Most of you have known me for years, or at least mistaken me for the ficus in the lobby for years; but for those new to these corridors, a small point of housekeeping. Please desist from calling me Banky. Mr Moon is more than sufficient, although I do respond to Bang at times, if it is said loudly enough. Thank you.
This year we celebrate the 50th anniversary of the creation of the shadowy Bilderberg group, that fabled cabal rumoured to rule the world in secret. I am not at liberty to confirm or deny their existence, not having yet mastered the clandestine big-toe caress or earned the Scull-cap o’ Plenty, but I think all of us appreciate their continued efforts. After all, thank God someone’s running the world, because we certainly aren’t.
Which brings us to Iran, and the American carrier task force currently steaming that way. I have read with interest the report by the American ambassador, outlining this week’s successful launch by Tehran of its first rocket into space; but I do not concur with his findings. No sir, I do not. Please sit down, sir, you have made your point. No, sir, I do not think it is likely that the Iranians are ”planning to pancake down on the Lincoln Memorial like some kind of space-pirate in a bionic Trojan Horse”. I think it is far more likely that Iran’s president has seen your fleet coming, and even now is sitting in orbit with a tube of Jaffa Cakes, Miss Iran 2003, and several other green-eyed Persian hotties, lubing up in preparation for repopulating the Middle East once democracy has hit the beach, dropped a cluster bomb, and gone.
And speaking of which, this Assembly applauds the declaration signed by 46 countries last week calling for a ban on said cluster bombs. These weapons, it read, ”cause unacceptable harm to civilians”. Naturally the nations we all represent here continue to endorse weapons that cause acceptable harm to civilians, such as bullets, flame-throwers and thermonuclear bundles of megadeath; but I am happy to report that cluster bombs will soon be beyond the pale.
Moving on. I have here a motion from Japan’s representative, thanking the Spanish government for this week’s imposition of a speed limit on ships passing through the Straits of Gibraltar, a move designed to protect whales. Tokyo hopes that this approach will provide many more unscarred specimens for its ongoing research into what it calls ”whale science and stuff”, most notably that eternal cetacean question: does whale taste better with wasabi or plain soy sauce? Japan also hopes that this will open the way to imposing a speed limit on whales, so that its harpooners don’t have to stop watching porn and snuff movies on their iPods when getting off shots at baby dolphins. Well done, Madrid.
If I may sound a note of caution here: I see that Japan did not approve the final text of the cluster bomb resolution, perhaps revealing an intention to use them on whales at some future date. This Assembly must issue the strongest possible warning against such action. Not only do cluster bombs leave whale meat dry and stringy, but they also leave behind a tart chemical taste on the palate, and can spoil dinner parties as unexploded bomblets are mistaken for truffles. A graphic loss of face, in a manner of speaking.
And it is in this spirit of national embarrassments that we come to the issue of Prince Harry. Many of you have expressed surprise that the Prince is being deployed to Iraq, just as Britain is considering withdrawing its troops, but I have here a statement from Downing Street which I hope will clear the air.
I quote paragraph four: ”It is the intention of this government to leave behind an operational garrison in Baghdad, manned solely by the Prince. While Her Majesty’s servants would never wish for harm to befall a royal, we do understand that duty is greater than individual lives, and if Fort Harry is overrun by desert tribesmen, we are confident that the Prince will expire beautifully, draped in the tattered flag, with a rose clenched in his teeth, thereby raising the whole tone of the conflict. In these grim times it is our arduous task to lay on the altar of New Labour our brightest and best, and if we can’t find any of those, royals will have to do.” End quote.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen; and now, to business. Point one on the agenda: Sudan’s promise that it will host ”free and fair” elections in 2008 and 2009. What’s that, Mr Ambassador? Khartoum would like the polls to be monitored by the same South African delegation that watched over Zimbabwe’s last free and fair election? Right-oh.