The average abused woman leaves her husband 37 times before she divorces him. After every lame excuse, every bunch of flowers and every empty promise, she takes him back again. And again. And again. Why?
Women’s rights activists, social workers and clinical psychologists agree: abused women are kept in abusive relationships by a combination of fear, emotional or financial dependence, low self-esteem or a false sense of loyalty.
“Men threaten to kill their wives if they report an incident or threaten with custody issues. ‘If you leave, you leave alone’, many women hear. And they are just too scared to leave their children with the abuser,” says Dehlia Crafford, a social worker at Ethelbert Children’s Home in Pinetown, Durban.
“Husbands isolate their wives from friends and family, [so] they have nowhere to go. They tell them that if they go to the police, they [the husbands] will commit suicide.”
In other instances, it is emotional and financial dependence that keeps many women in abusive relationships, Crafford says. “They do not think they can survive without their abusers.”
Makheni Motana, a motivational speaker and activist, makes it sound simple: “Most abuse happens because many women are emotionally dependent on men. Women have low self-esteem and therefore allow men to abuse them.
“Men do what they want to women, because women allow them to. Women get a society they deserve.”
By keeping quiet, women are in a sense condoning what is happening, Motana says.
“Women of all ages are portrayed as sex objects by the media and men are responding accordingly. Women are surprised by rape. They ask, ‘Where does it come from?’ But what can we expect? Sex and violence sell.”
South Africa reportedly has one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world. The South African Police Service’s recently released crime statistics present a bleak picture, suggesting that a woman is raped every 35 seconds.
The National Institute for Crime Prevention and Reintegration of Offenders believes it is much worse, however. The organisation estimates that only one in 20 rapes is reported to the police.
Marita Wenzel, a women’s rights activist and professor in English at the North West University’s Potchefstroom campus, says illiteracy, poverty, the myths surrounding HIV/Aids and the aftermath of apartheid all contribute to rape. “Women who are poor and cut off from society experience violence. Black men were emasculated by apartheid; rape can be seen as a means of asserting power and authority over women. In a way, rape has become a way of life,” she says.
According to Miranda Pretorius, a clinical psychologist in the Eastern Cape, HIV/Aids — specifically the myth that sex with virgins can cure the disease — contributes to rape in some rural cultures.
“Poverty is also a contributing factor. People who experience poverty feel hopeless and view life as pointless.”
Alcohol and drugs play an “immense role” in violence against women — “not just physical violence, but also verbal, emotional, sexual and domestic violence”, she believes. “People are trying to make a living, [or] are living on the edge — they live with anxiety and depression, and take [their frustrations] out on the people closest to them.”
The SAPS’s provincial rape and indecent assault statistics show that Gauteng, KwaZulu-Natal and the Eastern and Western Cape have the highest rape and indecent assault rates.
Pretorius adds the stereotypes that exist about rape that men rape because they cannot control their sexual lust or that women encourage rape — and the fear of being blamed reduces the likelihood of women reporting incidents.
She echoes Crafford and Motana’s beliefs about dependence, but adds: “On the other hand, there are women who believe that they can change their husbands — they are the so-called rescuers. It is very difficult to get people with these personality disorders to leave abusive relationships.”
Pretorius believes the culture of violence against women will only change if the social fibre of society changes. “If we can get back to our old morality, the status will change.”
Thora Mansfield, founder and director of Open Door Crisis Control Centre in Pinetown, Durban, says violence against women has been “around for ever”. She believes awareness about the issue should start at school level.
“We have to determine what children know about violence, what they understand [constitutes] violence. Children are introduced to violence through the media — it’s okay to see women slapped and kicked around in movies. Everything revolves around sex in advertisements.”