I hope the people of Polokwane are getting ready for the ANC national conference with the same zest that the country is preparing for the 2010 World Cup. I don’t recall there ever being so much hype about anything up there, but it would be unkind to suggest that nothing ever happens in Limpopo.
Stop smirking.
Given the seeming ignorance of all things Limpopo in the rest of the country, I’d like to offer a few tips for delegates and their fellow travellers in the media, the business-lounge community, the dial-a-quote analysts and the policy schmoozers.
The N1 becomes Thabo Mbeki Drive as you enter Polokwane. I honestly don’t see Jacob Zuma coming in on that highway, unless he’s driving a military truck or “Kanono”. Alternatively kulula.com and Mango might want to open up an affordable route for JZ and Cosatu office-bearers, who will want to be seen as one with the working class.
Lodging might not be the problem you are expecting. I think it will be safe to assume that there are already some politicians who have renovated their homes and turned them into “guest” houses so they can rent them to other politicians. Unlike other hotels and guesthouses, these will be rated not by stars, but graded by camp.
Those staying at the Mbeki camp can expect a lot of metal detectors and National Intelligence Agency personnel, Scorpions, SAPS, nothing less than the finest whiskey, the best transport, Woolworths wine and food, and probably the worst healthcare available. Psychoanalysts will be on hand for those suffering from policy fatigue and the contradictions of the transition.
At the Zuma camp, everyone will get a T-shirt on arrival, and those who don’t already have one should be able to order at the first toll gate when driving to Polokwane, and pick up at the second toll gate. Showers are provided with all units. Also expect crowds gathering outside the venue, singing Umshini Wam every morning before breakfast, during lunch and in the evening before supper. Of course, supper won’t be anything fancy, probably a couple of sheep and cows slaughtered, some traditional beer, and maybe some mopane worms to be in with the Limpopo masses. Security will be provided by Zwelinzima Vavi, Fikile Mbalula, any Zulu-speaking man and woman from Gauteng and KwaZulu-Natal who doesn’t have a job or who has taken leave for the Christmas holidays already.
Most of the delegates will probably arrive in Limpopo a day or two early. I suggest that those who are running — some for the presidency, some FROM the presidency — take a few minutes to Google Limpopo’s best sangomas and traditional healers, because it will be ignorant of the delegates to rely totally on other comrades for their votes and safety.
However, take heed. This could be a win-win or lose-lose situation, because most of these sangomas service the same clients — kind of like having the same advertising agency for Coke and Pepsi, or the same event company doing the year-end parties for Kaizer Chiefs and Orlando Pirates, with Malaika and Bougaluv performing at each.
For entertainment, surely there’s going to be one of those gala dinners with lots of entertainers who were in the struggle. I don’t know which artists have been booked, but I would suggest a balance of Zulu and Xhosa acts which have no obvious connection to either camp. I would recommend Danny K, Dr Victor and the Rasta Rebels, Des and Dawn, Steve Hofmeyr and any DJ from Highveld Stereo.
I’m not quite sure how voting will be organised, but I’m sure that the ANC leadership would like it to be extra-confidential, making it a little bit safer. I’d suggest they put their top six names in a hat and count the votes in front of everyone. If there’s some kind of an electronic punch-in-your-vote thing, that’s just a way for the Zuma camp to know who voted for Mbeki, and vice-versa.
Of course, there’s also the Tokyo clique, and I’m not calling it a camp for nothing — you need at least six members to form a camp. Tokyo’s crew doesn’t need to find a guesthouse, as a double room at the Polokwane Holiday Inn would be just fine. Or they can drive into Limpopo every morning, because they’ll only need one car and can save on petrol.
David Kau is a comedian