There is a part of the brain – just above the eyeballs – that lights up if an image of a baby’s face is flashed on to a screen. This is according to a study released earlier this year. Nothing happens if the picture on the screen is that of an adult.
Scientists know it is not a conscious response – it is too fast for that. But what is an even bigger breakthrough is the discovery that males react in the same way as females to a picture of a baby, whether they are fathers. This strongly suggests that men are wired to be good fathers.
Why then are there so many single-parent families in our society? Why are there so many ”missing fathers”? Have we dismissed or underestimated the important role fathers play in the lives of their children?
We explored the father factor ÂÂduring a workshop at Queens High School in Johannesburg. Twenty-four grade 11 learners participated. Sitting in a circle, they introduced themselves before speaking about someone who had played a positive role in their lives. A rapper, a boxer, a rugby player and an author were mentioned, but more often than not, it was a parent who played a positive role in their lives.
A number of learners spoke about their home circumstances without a father.
”My mother has played both roles in my life. I don’t have a father.’
”My mother is working her butt off!”
”She is trying to get my school fees up to date.”
”My pillar of strength (his grandmother).”
”Some nights she never used to eat but she put food in our mouths.”
”I owe her everything.”
”Against all odds she was there for me.”
But many learners paid tribute to their fathers:
”I am his favourite because I am the only girl in a family of boys. He is the sweetest person, the nicest person to speak to. I take him mostly as my best friend.”
”I enjoy his company. He is supportive. I want to be like him. We have our little chat in the morning at 5 o’clock – I am the only one awake at that time! He doesn’t know I enjoy it, but ja…”
”My father is as solid as a rock.”
The next two rounds were reserved for the boys. We discussed two questions and, judging by their responses, the questions below hit a nerve.
What is a real man?
A real man has a special X factor. You know this person is something.
He has respect for a woman – he will never lift a hand against a woman.
He supports his family.
Be yourself. Life is too short to be someone else.
What kind of father would you like to be and how do you see your future role as a father?
The way I treat my wife; my son will treat his wife.
I would like my children to speak openly to me about things children don’t usually speak to parents about.
Have fun with my kid. He can jump on my back but still respect me.
Show direction to my children – teach them not to take drugs.
You may not be a president or a scientist but you can still use your talents and strengths to earn money for your family.
Save money for your children’s university education.
One boy broke out of the mould and threw out a challenge to the others: ”What if you find out now your girlfriend is pregnant with your child? Are you going to abandon her? Tell her to go get an abortion. Even though I’m immature I’ll do my utmost best in every way for the child.”
This scenario forced each boy to consider whether he could be a responsible father even under the most difficult of circumstances.
At this point girls and boys formed two separate groups. One representative in each group reported back. They were asked to think about the role of a man and a woman in a long-term relationship or a marriage.
Girls and boys echoed each other in one respect when we got together again: ”Don’t forget about your wife – you had kids because you love each other.”
”Men must learn to appreciate their women and put family first.”
One girl pointed out that the role of the man was no longer the head of the family or sole provider. A long-term relationship was a partnership. Often a woman earned more than a man. She brought the house down with the following impassioned statement: ”We are in this together. That’s why I’m made from your rib – not your toe.”
Stephan B Poulter, writer of The Father Factor and Father your Son, opens our eyes to the huge impact a father has on a child’s life, whether he is the ultimate ”compassionate-mentor” type father or the ”missing father”.
I emphasised a few things. One of them was the relationship between an absent father and violence. According to Poulter ”abandonment breeds resentment in a child, which leads to anger and rage”. He says: ”It is interesting to note that the common denominator for violent gangs is fatherlessness.”
We glanced at a few newspaper articles that verified this statement. In one article Mike Tyson describes himself as ”a violent person, almost an animal”. For all his fame he is a pitiable wreck of a human being. His father was a drunkard who abandoned him when he was a baby.
Newspapers reported violence in our schools and court cases where ÂÂlearners had been stabbed to death. We learned that girl gangs have emerged and learners carry weapons at school. Could some of this violence be the result of ÂÂfatherlessness?
A child of a missing father experiences grief – as if that father were dead. One girl spoke about the sense of loss and abandonment she experiences. Tears were streaming down her face as she spoke. ”A father will hold you when you need him to. He will be your best friend. You feel as if you are dying inside…”
My overall plan for the workshop was to allow them to step into the future. I wanted them to realise that we can have some control over the future and avert catastrophes that seem to come from nowhere, such as HIV infection or an unwanted baby.
Teenagers live in the present and this puts them at risk. Also technology catapults them into a new information age that bulldozes innocence out of the way and offers new freedom to experiment with sex and drugs.
We cannot turn the clock back. But we can try to avert the ”car smash” that lies in wait for many teenagers by shifting their perspective from the present to encompass the future. I wish the quotation below was a poster on every teenager’s bedroom wall: ”The only way to predict the future is to have power to shape the future”.