WWJD
The discovery that the US military is equipping troops with telescopic gun sights engraved with coded references to New Testament verses has confused and upset many religious troops. ‘On patrol in Afghanistan I often ask myself ‘What would Jesus do?’” said Private Duane Apocalypse of Brimstone, Alabama. ‘Now I guess I know the answer: elevate by two degrees, allow for wind drift, and give the trigger a gentle little squeeze.”
Bush love
The Chilcot Inquiry into the Iraq war has heard that the US invasion was inspired by a series of passionate love letters sent from the former British Prime Minister to George Bush. According to a former aide of Tony Blair, one letter from Downing Street begged, “Invade Iraq like you invaded my heart.” He admitted that as Blair’s infatuation with Bush intensified, his letters became increasingly lewd, culminating on the day of the invasion with, ‘I want you in Iraq like I want you in me.”
Sod ’em
Former columnist and celebrated homophobe Jon Qwelane says he is honoured to have been mooted as South Africa’s ambassador to Uganda and is looking forward to diplomatic receptions, ribbon-cutting ceremonies and the ritual stoning to death of sodomites and their catamites. Uganda is currently pushing for the death penalty for gay sex, and has expressed an interest in returning to the 14th Century. Qwelane would neither condemn nor endorse the moves, but added, ‘When in Rome, you know?”
Battering legend
As South Africa swept to victory against England at the Wanderers, batting- and battering – legend Geoffrey Boycott swept into the Radio 2000 commentary box to berate Craig Marais and Michael Abrahamson for allegedly speaking too loudly. Fortunately neither Marais nor Abrahamson are currently married to Boycott and escaped with only minor lesions. Meanwhile women have been urged not to approach Boycott until he has been darted and returned to his enclosure.
Taking a stab
A knife-proof vest being marketed to British tourists as a must-have item at the Soccer World Cup has been slammed by the South African government, which says it is completely pointless as any tourists killed will either be shot or run over by taxis. “We urge our visitors to remember that of the 1 500 South Africans who are murdered and the 1 100 who are killed on our roads every month, only a tiny minority succumb to knife wounds,” said spokesperson Whiplash Mahlangu. ‘The vests are alarmist, reactionary, and frankly discriminatory towards people who earn a living through knife crime.”
Eat a tourist
Following the revelations of tourist Victoria Smurfit that she and her family were victims of “Kill a Tourist Day” in Cape Town, England’s Daily Mail is now warning British soccer fans of the perils of ‘Eat a Tourist Day”. ‘It’s everywhere,” claimed journalist Limey McTwatstein. ‘It’s not just the sharks. Anyone could be a threat. Your hotel masseur. The child prostitute you pick up from the street corner. The man you’re about to beat with a chain for supporting the wrong team. Any one of them could turn on you to reveal row upon row of serrated, tourist-eating teeth.”
Men overboard
MAN, a new television series about Cape Town’s male dating scene, has been hailed by woman-hating poseurs who say that they finally have a show that speaks directly to them. The 13-part documentary promises to explore the minds of four handsome Cape Town singles: this will take approximately four minutes. In other news, the Russian mafia has thanked the SABC for funding the trafficking of women by having the launch party at a leading strip club.
Your stars this week: Avoid conflict at work, unless you are a cage-fighter in Cambodia. Always remember that you have the heart of a small child. Just make sure you keep it in the freezer or it might get a bit stinky.
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