Kill the constitution, it is a rapist
President Jacob Zuma has defended Julius Malema’s call for genocide, saying that the ANC will widen its repertoire soon with the release of new songs calling for various minorities to be slaughtered. He confirmed that the list, based on Malema’s personal terrors, would include cross-dressing dwarves, mime artistes and girls. “Jews, gypsies, gays and intellectuals are so 20th century,” explained Zuma. “Comrade Julius has reinvented the classic pogrom and transformed it into something really quite special, with a wide range of new and exciting scapegoats for government corruption and incompetence.”
From First Lady to Fourth
President Jacob has confirmed that one of his wives was given a tea set by Michelle Obama, but has stressed that Mrs Obama gave Mrs Zuma the gift out of mutual respect and protocol and not because she thought she was the tea lady and wanted a refill before meeting some genuinely important people.
Colour me hateful
Julius Malema’s wranglers say that he has not yet written an apology for hate speech because he has run out of red crayons. “Comrade President Julius prefers to draw rather than write his correspondences,” explained ANCYL spokesman Goebbels Gwala, “and he needs red to illustrate what he wants to do with girls who have the audacity to learn how to read and become magistrates.”
Would Would Winnie Do?
After her recent attacks on former husband, Winnie Madikizela-Mandela has gone on to accuse Mohandas Gandhi, Buddha and Jesus Christ of being “a bunch of namby-pamby girly-boys” and “limp-wristed wusses”. She was especially severe on Christ. “He was a puppet for the Roman government!” she said. “I mean, his land was occupied by Romans. They were treating his people like second-class citizens in their own land. And he said ‘Turn the other cheek’. He should have yelled ‘This—Is—Nazareth!’ and kicked them down a well. That’s what I would have done.”
Flights of fancy
Lawyers of accused fraudster and alleged scumbag J Arthur Brown say that their client is not a flight risk because he wants to marry again and start a family. When it was suggested that Brown would now simply buy two tickets on Air Guatemala instead of one, lawyer Smegma von Bottomkrauler said he had not considered that possibility as it would take “an evil genius decades to devise a scheme of such diabolical complexity”.
Dig it
Afrikaans daily Beeld has reported that there are 5,648 potholes in roads in the North West province. It has also reported that its journalists have far too much time on their hands.
Dark at the end of the tunnel
The government has assured Sepp Blatter that it will generate just enough electricity to keep runway lights and to keep air-traffic control equipment running long enough to get him safely out of South African airspace. However, said Eskom spokesman Sparky Matabane, once Blatter was over Namibia, Botswana, or any other exporter of electricity to South Africa, “all bets were off”.
Herding holy cows
The government has recommitted itself to transferring 30 percent of the country’s land to black people whether they want it or not. Most black professionals polled said they preferred office jobs to shoveling pig poo, but the government has vowed to “ruralise” thousands of them to meet its agrarian peasant utopia quotas. “What blacks want most in the whole world is to be rural peasants,” explained Deputy Agriculture Minister, Huckleberry Mpofu. “It’s in the Freedom Charter and everything.” Asked how many blacks he had polled to reach that conclusion, he said he had only asked Buttercup the tea-lady, but added that she “seemed pretty representative”.