Malema vs Team SA

Happy world press freedom day everyone! And before you bleat about how there’s nothing much to be happy about, think about the big news in South Africa today: Julius Malema’s disciplinary hearing within the ANC.

This watershed moment for the out-of-control youth league president arrived in part because President Jacob Zuma was moved to finally publicly criticise Malema about his horrendous treatment of BBC journalist Jonah Fisher.

The great thing about the hearing is the people who will be hearing the case. You’ve probably read the analyses by now and grinned like I did at the ANC members selected to judge Malema. These are no pushovers and some have even openly criticised him in the past.

But they’re still going to need all the help they can get. Not only do they have to face the wrath of the league and its supporters throughout the party, the ANC’s national executive committee must still approve their report. They have to be hard-hitting but strategic, probing but diplomatic, and awesome but humble. They have to be superheroes.

Our democracy is at stake! The villains have taken over, and it’s time to haul out the bat signal.

So in honour of another special day that has just passed, I’ve lined up a few characters for some of the panel members to channel in their fight for the good, the just and the true.

The chairperson: Derek Hanekom:
Hanekom is a good guy, and the best bit is that he knows more about land reform than the entire youth league put together, having worked as a farmer and former deputy agricultural minister.

One of the issues on the table is Malema’s enthusiastic backing of Zimbabwe’s Zanu-PF, whose own land programme is the stuff of legend … where the legend is one that makes grown men cry in their sleep. Some speculate that Hanekom may just be a gimp and token Afrikaner on the panel, whose decision will be ignored. We say, Hanekom: the underdog is our favourite kind of hero. Think Captain America when you face off with the Butcher of Democracy today. That hero’s creators took a sickly man and enhanced him to fight the good fight for their country. Derek Hanekom, this time you’re that man and this is that country.
Zola Skweyiya:
Skweyiya is kind of awesome, not least because of his absolute commitment to the country’s impoverished as former minister of social development. He is one of a handful of senior ANC members who have spoken out forcefully against Malema, calling him an “embarrassment” to the ANC and noting as early as 2008 that he had to be brought into line. We reckon he’s something of a Professor Xavier, leader of the X-Men. He’s wise, old and damn smart — and dedicated to justice.

Plus he’s a bit paralysed, like Skweyiya, who is now officially retired. But he’s a subtly powerful character who can, get this, influence human minds. You’re still an NEC member, Skweyiya, and we know you don’t like Malema anymore than we do. Make the party listen to you.

Collins Chabane:
Chabane is the Minister in the Presidency: Performance Monitoring and Evaluation, and a lonely voice of reason. One of Zuma’s most trusted lieutenants, he’s also a good friend of Malema’s enemy in Limpopo, Lehlogonolo Masoga. Chabane, you’ve got a lot going for you. You’re clean and trusted and experienced in trying to get difficult politicians to do their job. But you’re a bit like Aquaman, who people have mocked for having powers that are useless. Your portfolio often lacks teeth but remember, Aquaman was a founding member of the Justice League of America and in time came to acquire a more serious status in comic land. Chabane — take the opportunity to prove yourself and we’ll thank you for it with even more respect.
Ayanda Dlodlo:
According to the Daily Maverick Dlodlo is “powerful, the secretary general of the MK Military Veterans Association, very well connected and ambitious”. But she’s also parliamentary counsellor to Zuma. She’s like Wonder Girl, desperate to make it as Wonder Woman. Get this hearing right and you’re halfway there.
Febe Potgieter-Gqubule Talk about left of centre … besides having a seriously Rainbow Nation surname all I know about Febe is that she’s our ambassador to Poland. I’m thinking Storm — she can bring the ice and wind from up north to cool our firebrand right down.
Susan Shabangu: Shabangu is no stranger to controversy herself, after she told police to “kill the bastards”. She displayed the same directness when she told Malema where to get off on the nationalisation of mines, saying it would never happen in her life as minister of mining. Girl superheroes are brilliant so I was torn on this one but I reckon she’s something of a Rogue: villain turned hero.

She has a naughty streak and has the ability to absorb powers. Shabangu, if anyone can play Malema at his own game, it’s you.

So there you have it. Malema may be planning on pleading guilty to evade any serious consequences, but let’s hope a team like this one won’t let him get away with it.