When we smile, the terrorists win
South African Airways has reacted with shock after journalists managed to smuggle a friendly air hostess onto a flight to test World Cup security measures. Friendly cabin attendants are strictly prohibited on board SAA, which has a zero-tolerance attitude towards passengers. “We’re asking ourselves tough questions,” said a spokesperson. “And not the normal tough questions like ‘Why is the geriatric dickhead in Row 13 pressing the f***ing call button again, and if it’s because Primrose has parked the drinks trolly on his oxygen tube then what the f*** does he expect us to do about it?'”
He on the jazz
ANC Youth League leader Julius Malema has confirmed that he wants to undergo military training to emulate his political idols, The A-Team, who solved crises by “shooting guns in the air”. He added that he was growing a BA Baracus mohawk and would roll out new catch-phrases at party level, including “I Pedi the fool!”. Meanwhile his training has been delayed as the “sucker-fools” at the SA Defence Force have not yet managed to source an AK-47 with a nickel-plated barrel and the initials ‘J.M.’ embossed in diamonds on the stock.
Road to Loftus
Rugby boss Oregan Hoskins surprised the world on Thursday when he admitted that black rugby players had been discriminated against. Hoskins reportedly had a “Road to Loftus” moment, as he realised in a flash of insight that sixteen years after the end of Apartheid, all major South African teams were still dominated by white players. “It takes a big man to say sorry,” said Hoskins watching as rugby administrators tucked in to the buffet. “And God knows we’ve got plenty of those.”
Gay abandon
Malawi has defended its judiciary after a gay couple were sentenced to a maximum of 14 years for being gay, saying the international media needs to let Malawian judges get on with “really important cases”. According to a spokesperson, the most pressing cases include the prosecution of a woman who can read, the indictment of a girl who prefers not be raped by her uncle, and the sentencing of a rogue scientist who not only claims that fire can be controlled by man but who has also invented a diabolical device called a “wheel”.
Let them drive Hummers
Freedom Sotshantsha, a ward councillor for the poverty-stricken Sweetwaters informal settlement south of Johannesburg, says he has committed no crime by buying himself a Hummer H3, adding that democracy meant “the right to compensate for a small penis in whichever way we choose”. He also defended the council’s track record in Sweetwaters, saying that they had done a better job than Helen Zille’s Democratic Alliance. “She degraded the people by installing bucket toilets,” he said. “We have saved our people that ignominy by installing neither toilets nor running water here. Viva dignity viva!”
Stop, thief!
Senior police officials are unable to explain how the newly militarised South African Blitzkrieg Police Assault Force managed to spend R1-billion last year building two police stations and improving another. However, Field Admiral Brigadier Bheki Cele said that “improvements” might have included hover-bikes, a teleportation tube and new plasma-blasters for all officers, although he could not say for certain. The companies awarded the contracts by the police could not be reached for comment as they were snorting lines of cocaine off the inner thighs of supermodels in Monaco.
Air today, gone tomorrow
The office of Gauteng Premier Nomvula Mokonyane has denied that she pulled rank by ordering an air ambulance to take her sick brother from one hospital to another, saying that air ambulances are a human right for all South Africa’s citizens. “They just don’t know it’s their right because they don’t read the fine print,” he said. “And because we deliberately don’t teach them to read.” He added that the Premier had air ambulance permanently parked on her roof ready to take her to the US embassy should Gauteng’s taxpayers finally get tired of sucked dry by kleptocrats.