The cynic in me has been muzzled by the sound of a million vuvuzelas blowing and today I am proudly running for president of the Association of People Most Proud to Be South African.
Too often I find myself being hard on my country and her people, but I tend to have high expectations simply because I love this place. So, to all the visitors I say welcome to South Africa.
We are happy to have you here, but I feel that I need to tell you about a few things you should expect upon arriving in our country: expect to be looked at, accosted and possibly harassed if you look different or if you look like you have money. Here, when people look at you they really see you. Actually, they also just love to stare. Most of you will travel in private cars or cabs because you’ve been warned about the crazy taxis.
Heed the warnings. Taxi etiquette is unwritten; you pick it up by stopping and asking other people, meaning you actually have to talk to strangers to ask them what hand signal to use for a particular destination or to ask them how much the ride is because this information is osmotically shared among locals. Don’t sit in the front seat of a taxi because you’ll inherit the arduous task of counting the fares and giving everybody their correct change — and the driver will hold you responsible if his money is short.
That said, people will make sure you get to your destination safely, especially if you’ve taken the chance to take a taxi as a foreigner. Locals love that.
When in your private car, expect your solitude to be interrupted by the faces of beggars with babies, by blind people and traders eking out a living at almost every robot. Look on these interruptions as a reminder that this is still a predominantly poor country so don’t be shy to roll down your window and help someone out. Speaking of car windows, leave yours a little open to avoid being the victim of a smash-and-grab (of your belongings, not your kindness). Apparently it’s impossible to smash a slightly open window. Look, I don’t want to sell my country out as a giant crime scene, but your shit will get stolen if you walk around with “Please rob me” indicators on your person. So, don’t beware — just be aware.
Foreign girls, enjoy the attention you’ll be getting from dreamy African men with dreads, but don’t be fooled into getting pregnant under the illusion of being their queens. They already have baby mamas here so be wise, condomise.
Expect people to go to great lengths to make sure that you are happy — and really, we don’t want anything in return, that’s just how we are. Remember, this has never happened before to our country or our people. We don’t know what to expect from you, so be nice about our differences.
Yes, our president is about to have his 21st child and has nine million wives but, believe it or not, he’s still our president. I think the word we’re looking for here is ‘Respect”.
And one last thing: expect to come back, because this is a very special place.