It goes without saying that 50 years from now the world will be a very different place. If, as you read this, you are older than 40, chances are you won’t live to see what the world is like in 2060.
Although, to be fair, your odds of making it that far are pretty average even if you’re five. Of course that could all change quickly if somebody perfects time travel in a few years. But in case that doesn’t happen, here’s an assortment of potential headlines you might see, assuming of course that there are still newspapers that far in the future.
Riots in US as government refuses to sign Climate Change Protocol
DENVER. Citizens of the impoverished island nation of America who are seeking to gain admission into Nepal have rioted outside the country’s embassy in Colorado. Nepal and other members of the G7 group of high-lying countries, including Switzerland, Argentina and China, are seeking to limit the number of US citizens allowed to leave the increasingly submerged former superpower, now officially the most densely populated country on earth.
“We will relax visa restrictions when the US finally signs the Kyoto Protocol,” said Nepalese Prime Minister and leader of the dry world, Hi Lai Ying.
Heterosexual couple takes fight to marry to Constitutional Court
CAPE TOWN. A heterosexual couple will appeal to the highest court in the land for the right to marry after their case was thrown out of the Wynberg Magistrate’s Court on Wednesday. Marriage and fornication between a man and a woman were banned during the population explosion of 2023 after it was found they led to children.
The couple, Angela Poozle and Elias Frottage, said they wanted to be able to declare their love for each other in the same way a normal homosexual or technosexual couple could. But a spokesperson for the SA Family Policy Institute, Philip Filop, urged the court to stay strong, saying he was sure heterosexuality was just a passing phase for the couple.
Police smash book-trafficking ring
JOHANNESBURG. Undercover police have smashed a gang of book-traffickers in Gauteng as they attempted to flee the area with a truckload of rare printed material. This is the third book-smuggling arrest in the last week as police intensify their efforts to stop the flow of books to the Far East, where they are pulped and served with rice pudding in a meal believed to increase brain-power.
Book numbers have declined rapidly in the past 30 years since the last operational printing press was shut down. Police spokesperson Bradbury Jones said the number of books in Gauteng had dipped below the 1 000 mark for the first time and he warned that unless tighter security measures were implemented at museums, printed matter would become extinct in Gauteng, as happened in Limpopo. “Although in fairness, the last book spotted in Polokwane was in 2009, long before smuggling became a problem,” he said.
Luggage chaos at OR Tambo angers returning time-travellers
JOHANNESBURG. The Airports Company South Africa (Acsa) says it is doing its best to resolve the current baggage crisis that has caused severe disruptions at the country’s major transport terminal. Optometrist Billy Pilgrim said he returned from a sightseeing trip to 2010 only to discover his luggage had been transported forward to 2099. Pilgrim said it was as if the luggage carousel had come unstuck in time.
A spokesperson for Acsa, Lolly Wehambo, appealed for patience and said it was doing its best resolve the issue. “But due to the nature of time travel we must first deal with complaints going back to the turn of the century,” she said. “And it’s not easy telling somebody from 2010 who’s convinced the ‘blacks have stolen his suitcase’ that he’s actually a victim of a glitch in the space-time continuum.”
Aussies win tender to be God’s chosen people
SYDNEY. In a surprise break with tradition, God announced on Thursday that the Jews would no longer be His chosen people. “We’ve had our eye on the Aussies for a while now,” said celestial spokesperson Gabriel du Plessis. “Although being omniscient, it’s probably fair to say that we’ve had our eye on everyone since forever,” he added with a wink.
Du Plessis said that while the break with tradition was needed, certain fundamentals would remain unchanged. “Once again we have chosen people who inhabit a desolate wasteland,” he said, adding that where the Jews had Palestine, Noah and Joseph and the technicolour dream coat, the Aussies had Aborigines, Steve Irwin and Jason Donavon. “It’s almost a straight swap,” he said, “It’s just that the Aussies are much better at sport.”
Rolling Stones release album to mark 100 years in Showbiz
LONDON. Ageing rockers The Rolling Stones will release a new album later this year to mark the anniversary of their 100 years in show business. Together the band, which was formed in 1962, has experienced the highs of heroine addiction and the lows of a guest appearance on 3Talk with Noeleen.
The Stones, who say they owe their longevity to a diet of stem-cell smoothies, whiskey and a strategic pact with the devil, were recently embroiled in a sex scandal when 124 year-old bassist Bill Wyman returned to the band with spritely 68-year-old Edith Krantz on his arm. “Bill’s always had a thing for the young girls,” commented singer Mick Jagger.
Scientists make breakthrough in PDivvy research
CAPE TOWN. Former Springbok coach Peter de Villiers will be honoured posthumously for his contribution to rugby. The announcement comes following a breakthrough by a team of scientists and linguists who have spent the past 40 years attempting to decipher the utterances of the man from whom so much was expected when he was appointed the first, and to date only, non-white coach of the national side.
Linguist Fonix Mbandla said that as a result of his team’s work, De Villiers would now be remembered as a prophet who spoke the language of rugby to an audience equipped with only Afrikaans and prejudice. “But he didn’t help himself with that moustache,” he added. “It was enough to confuse anybody.” — Hayibo