Aunty Anele picked two commenters out of the goodness of her large African heart in January and voluntarily helped them through a few issues. True Patriot was the first to receive some golden advice in dealing with his obsession with exclamation marks, followed by White Trash who was supplied with guidelines on how to solve his problems with people of a “certain race” (because some people were highly offended when Aunty used the word “black” in the column).
Next up, Agony Aunty Anele is offering her services to Australia_is_Great who seems to have lost his South African self while trying to find a comfortable spot in the world.
Dear Australia_is_Great
Here I sit in my Third World country using my Third World computer and its Third World internet access (yes, you were successful at brainwashing me into thinking this of my country), trying to understand why on earth you chose to move to Australia.
Australia — land of suspected milk and honey (undocumented proof) and hated cricket and rugby players. Not to mention neighbours to New Zealand: second-in-line home to South African expats and source of Lord of the Rings visuals. Oh wait, I think you made it clear in a few comments — something about it being crime-free …
I understand that your move to Australia was for a better life for you, but how much better is it if you have to constantly pick at the bad things about South Africa? Do you do it because you need a reason to stay in Australia? Do you need to feel vindicated, that you made the right decision?
Well let me help you with your confusion. You have — simply because nothing we do will ever be good enough for you. You remind me of one of those parents whose child comes in second place and you say: “Well you know, Alison actually got gold.” It’s downright annoying. Stop it.
While watching the comment queue I noticed that you often shoot from the hip, not waiting to see results before assuming things. One example was the World Cup last year. Need a refresher? “OH dear: its almost finals time. And the honeymoon is about to end. The world is about to leave, and SA is about to be left with the hefty bill.”
Do you remember what the story was about? Netherlands getting through to the World Cup finals.
I think this is your way of showing how much you miss this “dark continent”, as well as your need to feel close to Mother Africa’s bosom. There are simple things you can do to keep your pain at bay. So here are some ways for you to feel like you’re in South Africa while being in Australia — apart from your hate mail on the Mail and Guardian comment queue.
- Have a braai. A small fire with some meat is always a good idea to lighten anyone’s mood. Yes, it sounds a bit tribal, but there’s no need to do it on rocks like us Africans. Get a braai stand! If you have a snoek braai you get double points.
- Find a beer. But I mean real beer that tastes like South Africa, a Black Label or Castle. If you don’t drink alcohol, get some rooibos. Soothing and calming, it will help clear your mind of negative thoughts. This, I promise, will help US.
- Buy some biltong, and call it that. Americans have bastardised it into beef jerky, and I don’t know what dried strips of meat in Australia are called, but here it doesn’t get better than chewing on a piece of biltong.
- Make some pap. Pap is good for your body and it keeps your mind strong. It will stop you from making comments that make people wonder whether you have a patch over one eye, resulting in you only seeing one side of everything.
- Holiday here from time to time. We know you have the bundus there, but ours is soooo much prettier.
So here I am, a tannie with that African culture that you so hate, telling you that it’s okay to miss your home and the people in it, even if a lot of them react stupidly sometimes. Part of being from Mzansi is our ability to laugh at ourselves, which you seem to have lost. Come home and you might find your sense of humour and some compassion for us working hard to keep this country beautiful.