Not the royal wedding: Wills and Kate cause global stir

In the run-up to the royal nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton, the following unreliable reports of global celebrations have been received:

Tanna, Vanuatu – In an apparently peaceful revolution Prince William has overthrown the Duke of Edinburgh as spiritual leader of the Yaohnanen people of Tanna Island, thanks to the timely arrival of a crate of commemorative royal wedding mugs. “He has a nice face,” said one villager of Prince William, “and these are very good cups. Dishwasher safe.”

Cargo cults, which still occasionally form in pre-industrialised societies, tend to attribute a divine origin to manufactured goods. Members of the 50-year-old Prince Philip Movement believed until recently that the Duke of Edinburgh was a quasi-divine being, the incarnation of a local spirit who would one day return to Tanna.

“Frankly, we got tired of waiting,” said Chief Joseph, leader of the Yaohnanen. “I understand he is a busy man-god, but he didn’t even respond to my emails. I began to doubt his existence. These mugs could not have arrived at a more auspicious moment.”

A new religion, the Prince William Experience, was formed shortly after the crate appeared on Tanna. Chief Joseph denies the mugs — which originated in China — were washed ashore during a terrible storm unleashed by a vengeful deity. “My son sent them to me,” he said. “He lives in London. He got them cheap because they misspelled Middleton. Look here – see? Idiot.”

Santa Clara, California – A life-size bronze statue of Prince William and Kate Middleton holding hands was unveiled outside a new library in Santa Clara, as part of the local celebrations to mark the wedding. “We may not be a monarchy, but we love all that royal stuff here,” said mayor Renee Halsted. She later admitted the statue had originally been commissioned to depict Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “It didn’t really look like them,” she said. “Fortunately for us, it’s so badly executed it could be absolutely anyone.” Pitt and Jolie had been scheduled to dedicate the new library, but cancelled at the last minute. “They really screwed us around,” said Halsted. “I hate them.”

Cape Town, South Africa – Kate and William, penguins at the National Aquarium, are engaged to be married on April 29, the same day as the royal wedding. “They love each other very deeply,” said aquarium communications director Gareth West. “Given their names, what could be more appropriate than a royal marriage?”

West insisted the marriage was not a publicity stunt, claiming the pair were actual mates, but refused to be drawn on whether other penguin weddings had been held at the aquarium. One keeper alleged the penguins were both male and had been called George and Terence until late last week.

And elsewhere in the world, other examples of royal wedding fever have been observed. Russia: Sets of commemorative nesting dolls appear in airport shops. Taiwan: A newly issued “royal divorce” stamp is among the earliest hints of marital strife. Australia: “Real” Prince William claims evil twin stole love of his life/his place in the royal succession. Zimbabwe: Robert Mugabe’s wedding invite still hasn’t arrived. Government minister blames agents of imperialism at work in troubled postal system. Somalia: Pirates sail under William and Kate flag in honour of royal nuptials. Ruthless killers raise colours made from “liberated” tea towel shipment. —

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Tim Dowling
Tim Dowling works from London. Guardian columnist, sad sack. Author of Dad You Suck (4th Estate). Police Dog Hogan's banjo player. Tim Dowling has over 31680 followers on Twitter.

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