So Number One, I have a few friends coming up from Durban this weekend. Can you arrange VIP access for us at Billy the Bums? Boss.
Are you serious? Who are you?
I'm kidding sir. Just thought I'd break the ice.
Ah … Tell me, these friends of yours. What do they do for a living? Businesspeople?
I was kidding, sir. Ok, so seriously. Was it you who told the Guptas they could land at Waterkloof?
Absolutely not! I would never dishonour this office and betray the people of South Africa like that. Didn't you get the memo: I was hopping mad. Hopping mad. Isn't that what Mac said I was?
Um, yes, Number One. Hopping mad. I get it.
Did any of your close associates know the Guptas were going to land at Waterkloof? Nathi, Nosiviwe, Jeff, anyone?
Not at all. I categorically deny that any of my closest comrades knew anything about the landing.
Tell me more about these friends of yours. How open-minded are they?
I really was kidding, sir.
How is it possible that none of your associates knew anything? You are Number One, right? They are all Number twos. Surely at least one of them knew something?
They know better. They'll never screw me … er … the country over like that.
That's strange though, Number One. Because you are Number One. It's strange that you and none of your people knew anything about this whole saga. I mean don't you follow Barry Bateman on Twitter?
Who are you? Who do you work for? Did you not see that impressive press conference we arranged?
We investigated the matter. We even released that report in record time. What more do you want? The report said the chief of protocol and that other woman were responsible. They name-dropped. Now we're going to make it illegal.
Name-dropping? You're going to make name-dropping illegal?
Yes.
But they used your name sir. Number One.
Yes, yes I know. Now I told them never to do that again. That's going to be illegal from now on. All better. Can we move along?
How are you going to make name-dropping illegal?
We have ways. That's classified. Hashtag-just-saying. Next question.
So the Guptas arrived at Waterkloof. You didn't know anything about it. Your people knew nothing, except for a few lowly officials?
I thought we've established that already?
Ok, then how is it that so many police officers escorted the Gupta family to Sun City? Surely one of you would have noticed the commotion?
Do you work for Helen? Did she send you here?
Look, those officers were moonlighting. That is illegal. If it isn't legal we're going to make it illegal. Those officers were charged. Finish and klaar.
But the charges were dropped.
I know. That's the justice system. What can we do? We can't undermine it. (heh heh)
Says he who owns the NPA.
Excuse me, what?
Nothing, Number One. Moving along.
Why didn't you attend the Gupta wedding? Nothing to wear?
You're not funny. I was busy.
But they are such close friends of yours, Number One. Why not?
I had things to do. Too risky anyway. I mean, which wife do you choose when ALL of them want to go to the wedding? See, no one in the world has problems like mine. Yet they judge me. They don't understand.
I see. Then why not take them all?
Are you for real? Who are you?
Sorry sir. Let's get back to the Guptas. They're very close friends of yours. Sort of like friends with benefits?
I guess you could say that. Friends with benefits. I like that. That's a good one. (heh heh) I'll tell Mac to use that one next time.
Don't you think it's inappropriate? I mean the Guptas do a lot of business with government. Don't you think that's unfair?
Look I don't see why people are making a big deal about this. They're my friends. We do business. What's the problem?
You're using state funds, sir.
Oh … but you're missing the bigger picture here, my boy. When I benefit we all benefit. The whole country benefits. The Guptas are just good businessmen. You know the Indians, they can sell sand in the Sahara. You should check the sweet deal I got on my own newspaper in Midrand.
Besides I'm known for spreading the love. Didn't you see what I've done for the people of Nkandla?
Yes, I'm glad you mentioned that. Nkandla: what's the deal? Why such an enormous compound … er … homestead? Why so expensive?
Do you have any idea how many children I have?
No.
That wasn't a rhetorical question. Really, do you know how many children I have?
No.
Me neither. The point is the people of South Africa want me to have this place. I really didn't want all of this. Yes, the bullet-proof glass is a nice touch and you should check out my grotto. The tuck shop is really taking off. We're thinking of franchising next year. I said no to the homestead, but our people can be so pushy. They just want the best for me. So how could I say no?
Number One, this homestead cost R260-million!?
What can I say? Things are not cheap. Do you have any idea what conjugal corridors cost these days?
Too much information, sir.
Next question.
Let's talk about the Central African Republic.
I knew this was coming.
When did you realise you cocked this one up?
You should be a comedian, seriously.
Your association with François Bozizé has been called into question. How do you defend that relationship?
Listen, Bozi and I go back a long way. I see no conflict of interest. I was helping a friend out. I owe him a lot. He helped me out back in the day. I had mouths to feed. I couldn't expect Schabir and Vivian to pay for everything. That wouldn't be right.
Sir, 13 soldiers died in a massacre in Bangui. How do you justify that as helping a friend out?
Well (heh heh). I thought Nosiviwe had taken care of this. Our soldiers died in the line of duty. They are heroes. They were defending democracy.
Bozizé is a dictator, sir.
Well that's relative, isn't it? You say dictator, I say benefactor. Winning.
Look, I have friends all over the world. In high places. We do business. There's nothing wrong with that. A little give and take never hurt anyone.
Except the 13 dead soldiers?
You know, I really didn't see that coming. But in times of war …
We're not at war, sir.
We're always at war, my boy. Do you have any idea how many times a day I have to look over my shoulder?
The country is holding you accountable for those soldiers' deaths, Number One. You are Number One, right?
I had nothing to do with those soldiers' deaths. Who knew that if you sent a couple of youngsters into a God-forsaken country on a camping trip they would end up dead?
Indeed, sir. So when last have you spoken to Bozizé, and is it true that you have promised him asylum at Nkandla?
How do you know that?
Well, the French signboards were a give away, sir.
Next question.
So you knew nothing about Guptagate and nothing about the massacre in the Central African Republic?
These friends of yours. How quick can they put together a tender? Can they do construction?
Are you ever going to take responsibility for the Gupta debacle?
Can you give up the Gupta thing now please? Can we all just move along? You're not paying attention. Do I need to send out another press statement? I know nothing about anything.
Quite right, sir. Nothing.
Shut up. Those people name-dropped. They are the culprits and they will be dealt with. They dropped my name.
They dropped it?
They dropped my name.
Like it's hot?
They dropped it like it's hot.
"Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot." I love that jam.
Get out. And tell your friends from Durban to call me.