What Msho might have said to Mxo, behind closed doors

Russian President Vladimir Putin and counterpart Jacob Zuma. (Elmond Jiyane)

Russian President Vladimir Putin and counterpart Jacob Zuma. (Elmond Jiyane)

I thought I’d touch base with President Jacob Zuma this week to speak about matters of national importance and, of course, his trip to Russia. It’s been a busy week for our president – he suddenly called “time” on an inquiry into national director of public prosecutions Mxolisi Nxasana and is trying to strike a deal. Also, it sounded as though he needed to have a heart-to-heart.

But the media liaison officer in the presidency didn’t get back to me.

Nevertheless, Jacob, if you’re reading this, it may be how our chat would have gone down.

M&G: Hey Msholozi … Msho … So ...
How you doing? You don’t mind me calling you Msho? It’s a bit awkward calling you Mr President. Too formal. And uBaba is, er, a bit personal. I know who’s my daddy. I’d call you Number One but I’m sure you get that a lot from the Guptas.

I once heard from a life coach that pet names help deepen a relationship. And I want to get close to you, Msho. What can you call me? Whatever you want really.

So, how was Russia? Could you please tell Aunty Thobeka that I loved the red fur coat. Or was it champagne? I don’t really know. It was extremely regal, though.

Anyway, I saw you spent some time with Oom Putin? You think he’ll mind me calling him Oom? He reminds me of that one stern uncle every family has.

What did you guys chat about? Is he building his own Nkandla in Ukraine? Just kidding. Okay, I admit, that was low.

But bear with me, Msho. I hear you guys didn’t chat about the “N” word? Which is weird. Because you spoke about nuclear what what even when you went to Russia last year to rest and recover. Does he know about your wife’s alleged role in poisoning you? What does he think about it?

You know what’s so weird? I don’t know who the first lady of Russia is. Oh wait, wasn’t she that woman who called him a vampire? Ah, he must not be as popular as you are with the ladies.

Tell him it’s fine. Every Casanova needs a wingman. He can be your wingman for life.

But really, Msho, how was Russia?

It must have been hectic. Were you negotiating with that Nxasana guy? Were you WhatsApp chatting? No? I have a few screen shots.

Mxo: Mina, I am not like Dramat.

Msho: Ja. He is much thinner.

Mxo: Pot calling the kettle black …

Msho: You want a pot and kettle as your settlement? Okay.

Mxo: I won’t go so easy.

Msho: How much, mchana?

Mxo: I have integrity. I will not be bought off.

Msho: R2-million?

Mxo: I am listening.

Msho: He he he.

Mxo: What?

Msho: It works every time.

Mxo: What is R2-million? You of all people know that you can barely get a fire pool for that money.

M&G: Nxasana is real hardegat. Did he keep you up all night?

Calling off the inquiry at 4am our time – it must have been around 5am there – that’s still pretty early. You usually wake up at 6:30am.

But Msho, you know that you can’t just order an inquiry and then call it off hours before it is due to start?

When are you going to take the nation into your confidence?

Or just spin something. Anything, really.

So my first question to you is: Does Nxasana have you by the balls? Or …?

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