David Hasselhoff
Can you smell that sweet fragrance in the air, South Africa? It’s a delicate cocktail of sugar and spice and all things nice. That’s right: it’s Women’s Month, where possessers of vaginas can be certain of getting the best possible deals on pink cupcakes and manicures.
Here’s a look at some of the real messages on offer to South African women this month, with some advice to the ladies as to how best to respond.
Comedy Central on DStv announced that, as part of their commemoration of Women’s Month, they would be screening the roasting of “curvaceous beach babe and animal activist Pamela Anderson”.
Do say: “I wish I was as curvaceous as beach babe Pamela Anderson.”
Don’t say: “Can we talk about David Hasselhoff’s pot belly instead?”
Women of Note SA tweeted: “Celebrate Women’s Day with a live concert where prominent female musicians can demonstrate their emancipation through music”.
Do say: “I love the musical stylings of prominent females!”
Don’t say: “What emancipation? I can’t even wear a miniskirt in a minibus.”
Bayport Financial Services South Africa tweeted the following, with a picture of a woman in pink wedges holding a pink handbag: “Trust your instincts & avoid making emotional money mistakes. #WomensMonth”
Do say: “I hope my emotions don’t make me buy more pink wedges this month.”
Don’t say: “Is an emotional money mistake like when you accidentally spend R250-million of public cash on security upgrades?”
Auto365 tweeted: “We’ve carefully selected these 2 vehicles for the ladies. #WomensMonth”, with pictures of a Kia Picanto and a Toyota Yaris.
Do say: “Those tiny pedals are just the right size for my dainty feet!”
Don’t say: “A Kia? I want to drive a goddamn tank.”
Oxbridge Academy – which offers “distance learning courses to students in South Africa and abroad” – tweeted, in honour of Women’s Month, the question: “Are You a Momtrepreneur?”
Do say: “A child came out of my lady-garden and I run my own business, so, yes, I guess I am a momtrepreneur!”
Don’t say: “If you ever use the word Momtrepreneur in my presence again I will vomit on you.”
Cosmetic store Charlotte Rhys’s website trumpets this month: “We nurture, we care, we give!”
Do say: “I was born to nurture.”
Don’t say: “Maybe if men were encouraged to nurture a bit more, almost 40% of South African children would not grow up with single mothers.”
Accessories retailer Graceful Lifestyle took to social media to remind us: “As a woman you have to look the part, always look great & smell well #WomensMonth”
Do say: “I’m concerned I’m not smelling as well as I could.”
Don’t say: “How come the top ANC dudes always get to wear tracksuits?”
GetWine urges the ladies: “It is #WomensMonth! Share with us what your favourite wine is to enjoy with your besties!”
Do say: “I let my hubby pick the wine.”
Don’t say: “My favourite wine is fermented from the distilled tears of the patriarchy.”
The Road Accident Fund wants to know: “Have you ever applied make-up while driving? #WomensMonth”
Do say: “Only when I’m late to enjoy wine with my besties.”
Don’t say: “Insurance data has repeatedly revealed that South African women are safer drivers than men.”
In honour of Women’s Month, Lead SA posted a quote from singer Miriam Makeba saying: “Girls are the future mothers of our society, and it is important that we focus on their well-being.”
Do say: “I can’t wait to give birth to an entire society.”
Don’t say: “Is abortion an option?”
Jet Fashion urges us to make our August consideration: “Do you think about how the cashier at your local store is more than just a cashier? #RoleModel”
Do say: “She always smiles at me when she gives me my change!”
Don’t say: “Perhaps she could be more than a cashier if more than 3% of CEOs in South Africa were women.”
Asics South Africa needs women to remember: “Starting your day with a workout is 100% worth it. #WomensMonth”
Do say: “Maybe men will like me more if I have a body like a pre-pubescent Swedish youth!”
Don’t say: “Starting your day with a huge bowl of Coco-Pops is also 100% worth it.”
“Call her Woman” is the title of the Sorbet beauty chain’s Women’s Day campaign.
Do say: “Call me whatever you like, just call me!”
Don’t say: “I’d rather be addressed by my name, thanks.”
Skin & Body Renewal SA wants to remind you: “You are stronger than you think! #WomensMonth”
Do say: “OK, but can you help me open this heavy car door?”
Don’t say: “That’s why men won’t be expecting it when the revolution comes.”
Premier Hotel & Resorts asks South Africa’s women on Facebook: “Planning on celebrating your womanhood with a solo excursion?”
Do say: “Yes, to Pick n Pay to get the family dinner.”
Don’t say: “Isn’t ‘celebrating your womanhood’ something you do when you get your first period?”
Your Family magazine is offering South African women “31 mantras to read every day in celebration of yourself this Women’s Month!”
Do say: “I am unleashing my inner goddess.”
Don’t say: “I don’t have time for mantras because I am busy reading about string theory.”
The Thabo Mbeki African Leadership Institute calls on South Africa to “commemorate the beginning [of] this heroine month”.
Do say: “My heroine is Oprah.”
Don’t say: “To survive this month I’ll need heroin.”