What the stars have in store for us in 2017

AQUARIUS
Celebrity: Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma (January 27)

Well, Aquarius, the year ahead holds lots of challenges for you. You may not only be moving house but also changing jobs and you’ll have to prepare yourself for a bumpy ride. But you are likely to have the strength to deal with it — you have a transit of Uranus going on right now, which means that Urianian energy is pushing you to ever greater heights.
Or depths.

PISCES
Celebrity: Julius Malema (March 3)

Jupiter enters your travel sector in late 2017, Pisces, so start working towards that first-class plane ticket. With Jupiter in your eighth house, mind you, you have to look to the pennies — money problems loom. Beware joint bank accounts. Beware dodgy investments. Beware your accountant. That sort of thing.

ARIES
Celebrity: Hashim Amla (March 31)

Thank you, Aries, for just being you. Yes, it’s known that you are pretty swollen-headed and we don’t want to encourage more cephalic expansion in 2017. Just keep on doing whatever you’re doing to fuel your fires and pay no attention to the planets.

TAURUS
Celebrity: Jacob Zuma (April 21)

Oh, the legendary stubbornness of the Taurean! You are not only bull-hearted but bull-headed. At any rate, change may be forced upon you. So you’d better be ready. The sun makes a lovely angle with Neptune in May, which should enhance your intuitive capacities. Do something for someone other than yourself, maybe, this year? It could relieve your pressure points.

GEMINI
Celebrity: Donald Trump (June 14)

Triumphalism suits you, Gemini — especially with Jupiter in your fifth house until May. So, yeah, go on talking shouty nonsense. After May, though, you may have to eat some humble pie. Remember, you’re an air sign, not an airhead — or are you? Saturn transits your solar fifth house this year, which implies marriage problems. Pluto’s in your eighth house, signalling disaster on the sex front. So no more “pussy” comments, okay?

CANCER
Celebrity: Gwede Mantashe (June 21)

Cancer is the sign most invested in the home, in keeping the home fires burning, in defending the home front. But now you, brave crab, have probably realised it’s a futile business because the home fires just became a raging conflagration and the whole darn house is burning down. (Cancer is also a disease within.) It’s probably time to grab what you can and get out.

LEO
Celebrity: Charlize Theron (August 7)

We like you, Leo. Everybody likes you. You do so much to be liked. Saturn hits your fifth house sometime in 2017 and it hasn’t been there for 28 years now. So you’d better do some numbers. If you want more complications, you’ve got a solar eclipse on August 21 and Venus enters your first house on August 26. Make of that what you will.

VIRGO
Celebrity: Beyoncé (September 4)

Virgo, whatever your mojo is, it has mojo’d you up for the better part of a year. Can you keep it up? We hope so, but do be aware of some floating planetary interference round midyear — you’ve got Pluto and Neptune hitting your love/romance complex. That might ruffle your tail feathers, especially if it’s your partner who’s going off the rails of unity. Then again, if you get lemons in life, you’ll make more lemonade, right?

LIBRA
Celebrity: Baleka Mbete (September 24)

Astrologyclub.org says: “By the time we come to March 28 when the new moon in your relationship sector brings the sun in your seventh also opposes Jupiter in your first, you should have arrived at a point of better understanding.” No, we don’t know what it means, either. But it’s not like you could be more confused than you are already.

SCORPIO
Celebrity: Dudu Myeni (October 29)

Hey, Scorps. Amazing how you manage to hang in there, keeping your fine positions and glamorous offices, despite all the tripping over your own feet you managed to do last year. For the year ahead, may we suggest a pair of pumps for work? Those stilettoes aren’t really doing you any safety favours. You wouldn’t want to break your neck — despite all those who’d like to break it for you.

SAGITTARIUS
Celebrity: Tina Joemat-Pettersson

Sadge, Sadge, Sadge … firing off all those flaming arrows here, there, everywhere isn’t going to get you anywhere. No, give it up, dear. You don’t seem to realise it, but the fault is not in your stars. Still, Saturn is retrograde from April 6 to August 25, then goes direct. Maybe you could go direct, too?

CAPRICORN
Celebrity: Floyd Shivambu (January 1)

Capricorn, shout it out: you are the future! Jupiter arrives in your 11th house in October, so that should drive you to go out and do some more shouting. Until then, though, you could give it a rest — even give those vocal cords a break.