Hotline bling: What Zuma and Trump really talked about


Presidents Jacob Zuma and Donald Trump had a scheduled telephonic conversation on Monday. World peace, staving off famine, war? Nah. With Number One’s extensive experience as a head of state and the Orange One’s general genius, the topics of conversation were more likely to be something along the lines of:

They love you, each and every single one of them. You’re a sexy beast, and don’t let nobody tell you different. 

JZ783 for who, for what?
Now, they’ll come at you with some pesky, irrational charges clearly meant for mere mortals. We can not be distracted by these trivial affairs. Use all arms of the state (by the way, nice move with the FBI there ;-]) to block, block, block!

Believe in yourself
Like that small town girl from that little steel town who had a dream to dance, when you KNOW you’re right even though EVERYBODY says you’re wrong, just keep believing. Political commentators, the left/middle/right-wing media, public protectors, millions of protesters, Twitter, Concourts, US courts … all should be flogged for even suggesting we could be wrong for a millisecond in our cumulative lifespan.

With great power, comes great benefits
Don’t be afraid to use your office for personal gain. That’s why the people put you there in the first place, right? How happy the taxpayers must be to know their hard-earned money has gone towards giving the president a truly world-class home in his native KZN. So fuck it, let’s paint the White House gold as well.

Hair care secrets
Don’t listen to the haters, they’d have you believe that the golden, Samson-esque locks that adorn the America’s greatest man resemble a drowned homeless ferret. That showerhead you’re rocking is truly … oh you don’t actually have one on your head? Don’t worry, it’ll come.

Keep the powerful accountable

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