More fashion misses than hits at the #SONA2018

Squirrel Ramaphosa's debut on the red carpet

Squirrel Ramaphosa's debut on the red carpet

It’s been such a crazy week let me tell you. I’m not even talking about the intense politics in this country because more than enough people are harping on about that. I’m talking about the harrowing experience I had at SONA last Thursday. I was there at Parliament, minding my own business and living my best life when I suddenly found myself running in between people’s cankles which were stuffed into new shiny shoes on the red carpet. I’m shook to say the least. ALL THE WAY SHOOK. This is why I needed a full week of me-time and quiet before writing this.

So many people have been wondering why I was at SONA in the first place so I’m here to set the record straight. I am not an alleged agent of rodent monopoly capital but the name Squirrel Ramaphosa that I’ve been given on social media is great so I’ll go with it.

I was actually in the city for Third Thursdays (It’s a squirrel thing, I don’t expect you to understand) when I lost sight of my crew and ended up wandering about. Before I knew it, I entered a place with mad activity– camera lights flashing everywhere, journos running around, paparazzi shouting “Faith, look here!” “Bathabile, strike a pose” and “Mrs Gigaba, tell us what it is you do again”. The part about the paps is a lie. Our ministers wouldn’t know how to act.

Things were going well until this white woman called Zelda la Grange made eye contact with me and placed her hand on her heart. This was my cue to bounce away because you can never tell what’s going to happen next with white people. Imagine my shock when I found out that she believes I’m the reincarnation of uTata! Hai maan, let the poor man rest in peace. Yoh. ha. A.

In order to milk my 15 secs of fame for all it’s worth, I made the executive decision to become a self-appointed fashion police because our politicians need one. Looted money can’t buy you everything you know.

I wanna be there when the politicians fire their stylists

I wanna lend a hand

I wanna be there for the victims of poor colour and coordination

I wanna lend a hand

Send me

Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma

Dlamini-Zuma’s outfit was definitely age-appropriate and very ‘Mama Africa’ which is her aesthetic but I’m so tired of seeing the same outfit made in different materials and colours. The side peplum looked like it was about to take flight at any sign of EFF trouble during the address. Self-preservation is key I guess…

Nomvula Mokonyane

Mama Action came out in her candy-floss pink matric-dance inspired dress with a mesh design to top it off. Enough with these matric dance/bridesmaids dresses already! Jeez. She was carrying a huge snake-skinned inspired handbag. The rand will fit in there comfortably once she’s picked it up.

Mandla and Rabia Mandela

The Mandela’s looked like royalty which is very fitting. The colour, design and the trimmings on the traditional Xhosa outfits were on point. I’m not sure about Mandla’s jacket though but the overall look was impressive.

Baleka Mbete

Mam’ Baleka’s outfit was also age appropriate but also very matric dance chic. The fascinator was not fascinating in the least. I’m sure I could find this exact one at Marabastad or in JHB CBD on Small Street (yes, I’m a travelling squirrel– get with the programme).

Fikile Mbalula

I have to say, I’m quite disappointed in Mr. Fearfokkol’s outfit. For a grown man who uses the words ‘outchea’ and ‘lit’, I’m underwhelmed at his drab suit and tie. His wife, Nozuko, looked lovely in green though. Very classy.

Bheki Cele

Comrade Cele looked quite dapper. I approve. His Dobbs Fedora matched his suit and the small details all came together. His wife Thembeka is young and beautiful but the gown she was wearing looked like used tinfoil with baubles hanging off it. She could have done much much better. Different strokes for different folks I guess. 

Malusi Gigaba

Mr. Money Man looked ravishing in a navy suit with a pinstripe tie. A great fit as usual. His wife, Noma, looked beautiful too and although nothing is wrong with the dress, I can’t help thinking of Little Red Riding Hood and her cape…

Mduduzi Manana

Woman-beater Manana looked like a walking braai stand in his brown three-piece suit and the orange tie looked like dying embers. Actually, let’s move on. Woman beaters can’t do anything right. 

Busisiwe Mkhwebane

Wow. This is just a no from me. Why no one protected the Public Protector from this ill-fitting ballroom gown is beyond me. And the colour– whoever said this is Absa rouge was spot on.

Phumzile van Damme

Oh Jesu *face palm*

The design on this frock looks like a mosaic out of I don’t even know what. The huge pear shaped earrings, the Papa G rings and matching shoes are also a no-no. Didn’t we leave colour blocking behind a few years ago?

Helen Zille

I have so many questions. Is this one dress or one on top of another? Whose idea was this? Is the sheer material on Zille’s sleeves supposed to look like she has a second skin lifting from her arms or is her designer sabotaging her? WHAT”S GOING ON HELEN!!!

Lindiwe Zulu

When the EFF said Zulu sings for her supper, they didn’t mean that she now has to wear a fascinator that looks like ANC coloured spaghetti. Or a tarantulas legs. I also don’t understand the cape because it looks like someone started sewing it then changed their mind and gave it to Zulu half done. Being a proud ANC member doesn’t mean she has to wear the colours all the time. This is not a rally comrade. 

Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams

I loved this dress minus one very big detail which is the huge net at the bottom. Very reminiscent of a mosquito net.

My 15 seconds ends here. Time to gather my tail and scurry away before the offended come hunt me down and turn my tail into a scarf. Drops nut.

Squirrel Ramaphosa

Squirrel Ramaphosa

Squirrel Ramaphosa made the executive decision to become a self-appointed fashion police because all politicians need one: Looted money can’t buy you everything you know.  Read more from Squirrel Ramaphosa

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