Oh, to be a Chelsea fan now that winter’s here. When they play tough French outfit Paris St Germain in Champions League Group H at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday, the scarf-and-Russian-hat wearing Blues brothers will be yawning with contentment. I mean, they’re perfect, aren’t they?

The bring-back Terry Paine campaign starts here. Why? It rhymes, doesn’t it? Besides, Southampton are in dire straights, they need their old record-breaking winger to come back and save them from oblivion. He’s got to be an improvement on this Steve Wigley fellow, as we shall see.

Keeping Crystal Palace in the Premiership? It’s not rocket science, is it? Selhurst Park coach Iain Dowie (39) is perfectly placed to respond to such clichéd rhetoric. He’s got a master’s degree in aeronautical engineering, which, I guess, might enable a football manager to put something other than a football into orbit.

Okay, okay, it’s time to think the unthinkable. Arsenal, those mighty Gunners, might not be quite as good as we thought. And, after grabbing a fortunate point off lowly Southampton at home last week, they travel to equally lowly Crystal Palace on Saturday. Let us pray. Neal Collins looks at upcoming matches.

Ruud van Nistelrooy, we salute you. Oh great, long-faced Dutchman, you are the saviour of Sir Alex Ferguson, ailing footballing god. In your hands lies the fate of the fêted Fergie. You and your sexy Dutch accent, your glorious locks and long, long legs, could just save Manchester United from another season of decline.

This week’s big question: If Alex Ferguson really was hit by pizza, sandwiches and pea soup in the ”tunnel of hate” at Old Trafford on Sunday, just what kind of diet are Arsenal’s extremely well-paid athletes on? Who the hell eats pizza after being cheated, sorry beaten, 2-0 at Manchester United? And who dun the throwing?

So you’re young, black and gifted with a ball at your feet. European glory beckons. Where should you head to make your fortune? Not racist Russia, apparently. Nor any of the former Eastern Bloc states. Dynamo Moscow’s Senegalese defender, Pascal Mendi, has claimed: ”In Russia they have two major problems. Racism and the language.”

It would be tempting to lump Adrian Mutu, the latest footballer to find himself in hot water, with the rest of the got-rich-too-quick brigade. Tempting, but completely wrong. But though he grew up in a land where money was a particularly scarce resource, Mutu’s case deserves further, rigorous examination.

Forget Wednesday’s 2-2 draw at Panathinaikos. Something far more important happened late in Arsenal’s stylish 3-1 win over Aston Villa at Highbury last Saturday. It’s the kind of thing that will send a shudder of fear through Manchester United. Neal Collins also takes a look at the coming week’s soccer matches.

The Didier Drogba legend grows. Born in a war zone, emigrated aged five, started life as a full-back, gave up football aged 15, turned out for teams you can’t even find on a map, struggled to score for them. Now, barely two years later, he’s Chelsea’s record-breaking £24-million striker, loved in London, coveted in Côte d’Ivoire.