Ruud van Nistelrooy, we salute you. Oh great, long-faced Dutchman, you are the saviour of Sir Alex Ferguson, ailing footballing god. In your hands lies the fate of the fêted Fergie. You and your sexy Dutch accent, your glorious locks and long, long legs, could just save Manchester United from another season of decline.
Oh, how you smote the great Sparta Prague with four lightning strikes.
Your full name (Rutgerus Johannes Martinius van Nistelrooy) will appear on every replica shirt (space permitting), your birthplace (Oss in Holland) will be revered (as in the expression: Wizard of Oss or What a Complete Oss) and your £19-million transfer fee will be seen as mere peanuts (especially when you compare it to the £45-million Fergie paid for Wayne Rooney, Louis Saha and Alan Smith, who are hardly setting the domestic scene alight).
Truly, Ruud, you are the man. And honestly we don’t care that you’ve reached the ripe old age of 28 without yet managing to score a goal from outside the penalty area.
Fergie said: ‘Players like Ruud live for the big challenges and the Champions League gives them a true test.â€
I wish he’d said: ‘Verily, the Ruud is the greatest striker in the history of the universe†but there you are, you take what you can when Sir Alex speaks. He did, however, return to expand on a Ruud record that boasts 35 goals in 36 European games for United — better even that Denis Law (28 in 33) or the legend that is George Best (11 in 34).
Ferguson insists: ‘Those figures are unbelievable and he’s the most clinical finisher we’ve ever seen here. It’s an amazing record and he’s so cool with his finishing, he doesn’t panic. He’s quick with his feet too.
‘All the great goal scorers love Europe. The Cruyffs, the Di Stefanos and the Gerd Mullers all loved to be on the biggest platform of European football and I think Ruud loves the European stage.
‘As I said before the game, I hoped all the chances would fall to him. That doesn’t always happen and we had other chances and Rooney and Ronaldo could have had two each.â€
Hmm, that would have been 8-0. Poor old Sparta. But United do look that good in Europe.
Without question, our beloved superhero Ruud got changed in a phone box for this one (who wouldn’t, with all that pizza and soup flying around at Old Trafford?).
First he latched on to one of the world’s worst back passes from Jiri Homola to round the keeper and score after 13 minutes.
Then came the habitual penalty, United’s speciality. Then a neat lob for the hat-trick over goalkeeper Jaromir Blazek and finally, number four, a typical close-range finish in injury time.
What a man. With Liverpool producing a worthy but dull 1-0 win at Deportivo la Coruna (not many predicted that) and Chelsea already home and hosed as Group H winners, it’s just the champions, Arsenal, who look a bit dodgy now.
But all four English clubs now look ready to progress to the last 16. And that’s good for the economy.
Just let’s take a quick look at how the Champions League makes the local bank manager beam.
Stage by stage you get:
£1,25-million just for getting to the group stages. Most European champions qualify automatically, England put three through with a fourth-place side normally requiring a play-off against minnows such as Huthehellruski from Azerbigwun. Or Rangers from Scotland.
- £1,5-million for each of the six group matches.
- £1,25-million bonus for reaching the last 16.
- £1,5-million for reaching the quarterfinals.
- £2-million for the semifinal.
- £3-million for the final.
- £5-million for the winners.
Last season, Chelsea were England’s biggest Champions League earners. When you include gate money they pulled in £20-million — and they only got to the semis. That’s nearly enough to cover the cost of Adrian Mutu’s disastrous six months at Stamford Bridge … which isn’t to be sniffed at.
Seriously though, £20-million is big bucks. And that’s why Liverpool’s win over Deportivo, last season’s semifinalists, was so vital.
Okay, they needed a Jorge Andrade own goal to do it but coach Rafael Benitez said: ‘This was one of the best Liverpool performances I’ve seen since I took over.â€
Group A remains congested, but Liverpool have a fighting chance.
The £20-million jackpot is why Ruud’s feats in Europe really are worth their weight in gold. The win over Sparta, coupled with Lyon’s victory over Fenerbahce, means the Reds effectively need just a point against the French side at Old Trafford in just under three weeks’ time to qualify.
That same £20-million jackpot is why Arsenal’s next game, against PSV, is make or break for a club attempting to pay off a £265-million loan on their new stadium. They simply can’t afford to throw away another lead.