Neal Collins

Clive Woodward: "I heard some shouts of "Boring, boring" last night, but it wasn’t coming from my wife in bed next to me." That’s how the England coach opened his last press conference before tomorrow’s World Cup Final against Australia. Bright, cheerful, laugh-a-minute.

Clearly New Zealand and France are headed for the World Cup final on November 22. It is written in the stars, for the stars, by the stars. Australia and England, whose stars are falling fast, will have to scrabble about in one of those awful third/fourth play-off games on the Thursday before the final.

The Irish, armed only with Guiness and hope, turned up in their thousands (unlike the Aussies and French, there were 15 000 unsold tickets) to see what was supposed to be the closest of the four quarter-finals yesterday. But, alas, the Irish looked much like South Africa during their defeat against the All Blacks the night before.

They came here with a record as bad as Puff the Magic Dragon. They leave with a reputation for breathing fire. If tries are what people come to see, Wales were the winners last night. But will that thought console them on the flight home? The final score was Englaand 28, Wales 17.

Springbok captain Corne Krige found himself back in the midst of the World Cup action in Sydney last night — as a guest on the legendary Australian show <i>The Cream</i>. Stirring things up a bit he said "Rugby is a unique sport where you can do that. Smash the bloke on the field but shake hands afterwards and have a beer with him."

With the group stages over, it is my privilege to name a Rugby World Cup 2003 Select XV, who will play Mars (or is it Uranus?) next week. That’s the problem with bloody World XVs… who do they play against? Anyway, I’ve sifted through the memory banks, had a chat with some of the other lads, and come up with this little lot…

Suddenly everyone’s beatable. The World Cup is wide open. Saturday night’s sensational performance from Wales in Sydney has given all eight sides left in the competition new hope. Sure, the All Blacks got up in the end to win 53-37 but it was hearts-in-mouths time for 60 minutes. And when you consider that hosts and holders Australia could only edge past Ireland thanks to a narrowly missed David Humphreys drop-goal, the Webb-Ellis trophy really is up for grabs.

Storm clouds are gathering around under-pressure coach Clive Woodward after England, incredibly, were seen to have an extra man on the field during their desperate 35-22 win over brave Samoa. World Cup officials are believed to be about to announce an inquiry into the bizarre incident, witnessed by over 50 000 fans at Melbourne’s Telstra Dome on Sunday.

This was a sizzling Sunday. Ireland holding off the Pumas, England outlasting Samoa. England survived their toughest test of the World Cup here in Melbourne last night, producing two superb late tries to kill off the brave islanders. I can’t wait for them to play the Boks next Saturday in Brisbane.

In theory it should be the greatest mismatch in the history of sport. If they were boxers, any sane doctor wouldn’t even let them get in to the ring togther. But this afternoon, under the roof in Melbourne, it’s Jonny Wilkinson versus Earl Va’a. The millionaire takes on the pauper. The obsessive kicker against a man who practices "perhaps an hour a week".

Joost van der Westhuizen, hemmed in by a dozen English tape recorders at the team’s Fremantle hotel, is on the sharp end of the British interrogators before the Boer War: England’s Group C decider against South Africa on Saturday. He’s the most capped player, the highest ever try scorer, he’s survived seven Bok coaches, he’s 32 and he’s on the rack.

Okay, you’ve seen the stories suggesting England have slight injury problems before their crucial Pool C clash against South Africa on Saturday. The truth is, England may well be forced to try a rookie at the base of the scrum on Saturday with Joost van der Westhuizen, South Africa’s most-capped player, sniping away at him.

England captain Martin Johnson paid South Africa the ultimate rugby compliment yesterday when he described them as "the most physical side in the world". With Saturday’s Group C decider looming, Johnson admitted: "It will be pretty difficult to win the World Cup if we lose on Saturday."

Tonight, after Australia have beaten Argentina, I shall walk in to the Leederville Hotel in Perth wearing only an England jersey. Oh, and the same pair of tracksuit trousers I’ve been wearing for the past two weeks. I’m not a good packer. I will make this gesture to expose the sham of this World Cup.

Did you know the Georgians claim to have ‘discovered’ wine- and rugby, which is
derived from their own game, Lelo-Burti. For those unlucky buggers who pulled Georgia in the office sweepstakes, you can impress your colleagues with these fifteen facts on the country that’s sandwiched between Armenia, Azerbaijan, Turkey and Russia.

South Africa’s fortress in Fremantle doesn’t take kindly to my type. Poms, rooineks, colonial masters. Call us what you will. But when I snuck in to the Esplanade Hotel this morning it was like being a red-coated extra in a Boer War drama. Thing is, the Boks have got hangers-on like Gert Smal and Ray Mordt: two ex-players who can peel paint with one sneer.

England coach Clive Woodward was in a grumpy mood after naming his first side of the 2003 Rugby World Cup tournament. The smooth exterior we have witnessed up to this point nearly slipped as he fielded fairly ordinary questions from the largely English press gang at the Novotel in Perth.

England centre Will Greenwood hit back at South African skipper Corne Krige on Monday, hilariously accusing him of being the shortest captain in world rugby. His riposte came after the notorious Krige accused Johnson of being "one of the dirtiest captains in Test rugby".

England lock Ben Kay claims captain Martin Johnson isn’t dirty… he’s just clumsy! Kay, who plays alongside Johnson for the Leicester Tigers and England, said "The last two times I’ve played Jonno he’s stood on my face and given me stitches. He’s just clumsy really!"

As expected, it was the unreconstructed Springbok captain Corne Krige who lit the blue touchpaper before the key qualifying clash against England on October 18. Krige was the man who left one of his team-mates concussed when he attempted to punch England scrum-half Matt Dawson during the infamous clash at Twickenham last November.

Actually, England £2,2-million (R2,52-billion) and Georgia £20,000 (R229 800) would be the more accurate summary of the gulf between the two countries. Those figures show much these two proud rugby-playing nations are spending on the preparation for their opening match of the 2003 Rugby World Cup here next week.

Okay, first big Rugby World Cup breakfast in Australia and guess what the front page headline reads on the West Australian? "Rejected sheep set for WA dumping". Yes, this is the heart-rending tale of the 50 000 Australian sheep who were not good enough for hard-hearted Saudi Arabian butchers and forced to return home.

Last week we erroneously reported that the African National Congress called for HIV/Aids to be declared a notifiable disease. In fact, it was Dr Confidence Moloko, the deputy chairperson of the ANC’s health committee, who made the call in his personal capacity.