ANC wants a more open and frank relationship with SA journalists, but would have to suppress any negative reporting on the party…
Intersex in the City Too
Controversial South African runner Caster Semenya could be set to return to athletics within days after International Olympic Committee officials completed her complicated gender-testing process at a private screening of Sex in the City 2 on Friday morning.
According to experts from the IOC, exposure to SITC made men ‘instantly uncomfortable”. ‘They always feel compelled to say how they think Kristin Davis is their ‘favourite one’,” said one, adding that prolonged exposure could lead to death in men and multiple orgasms in women. ‘If the chromosomes are saying one thing and the genitalia another, you need a tie-breaker,” he said.
Plug that hole, boys
As the BP pipeline in the Gulf of Mexico continues to pour oil into the sea, the Malawian government has come forward to offer the insertion of its ‘finest home-grown homosexuals” to plug the leak.
Top officials in the Malawian government announced last night that they were sending ‘several top-quality bum-boys” to the Gulf of Mexico to stem the ongoing spillage of millions of gallons of oil.
‘We in the warm heart of Africa have never been slow to respond to the desperate plight of our less fortunate Western brothers and sisters,” said Prime Minister-For-Life Timbudzu Despoto yesterday.
Long live the King!
Up to seven people cheered in the streets of West Thembuland yesterday as Prince Dalimvula Matanzima was crowned king of the region. According to King Siyambonga he would now set about separating the day from the night, directing the wind and making the stars twinkle.
However, courtiers confirmed that in reality the King’s powers were limited to being allowed to choose the channel on DSTV if there was nothing his wife wanted to watch. They also said he was very regal and commanding when ordering sheep to get out of the way of his bicycle.
Silent partner
The South African Communist Party has accused the ANC of being ‘reckless” by levelling charges of insubordination at Cosatu leader Zwelinzima Vavi.
‘We reject recklessness in all forms,” said SACP spokesperson Showtrial Mbete. ‘Our party is based on caution. Hell, we haven’t even contested an election since 1994 but we still get to be in government and dictate national policy. That’s how you succeed. Softly softly catchee tenders, quickly quickly drivee Beemer. Viva Communism viva!”
I write what you like
ANC Secretary-General Gwede Mantashe says the ruling party wants a more open and frank relationship with South Africa’s journalists, but added that the party would have to suppress any negative reporting on the party.
Asked if he understood what ‘open and frank” meant, Mantashe said that if any journalists still did not understand the concept of objectivity they could refer to his favourite media studies text, written on a napkin in 1953 by Joseph Stalin using a fish-knife and the blood of an editor of Pravda.
Pirates of the Mediterranean
Israeli Defence Minister, Uzi Freudian-Schlepp, has warned luxury cruise liners across the Mediterranean not to carry any cargo that might aid terrorists in Gaza, including cans of baked beans, baby formula, bingo cards and shuffle-board paddles.
‘And don’t think that just because you’re all sitting watching the Steerage Class Wives’ staging of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights we won’t use live ammunition,” he said.
‘You might be 80 years old and a former primary school teacher from Omaha, Nebraska, but as far as we’re concerned you’re just one jihad video away from quilting yourself a suicide belt.”
The thick blue line
South African police have have reassured World Cup visitors that there is a plan in place to deal with an alleged Al Qaeda plot.
‘We’re going to shoot anyone who looks Somali,” said a spokesperson, adding that shooting Somalis was already a national sport in many townships.
‘It’s not xenophobia, it’s the war against terror,” he said.
He added that police would refrain from anyone who looked Pakistani as would be ‘against nation-building to take down a perp and then discover that it was Sunny or Punky or Chippy and Chappie or any of the other 200 guys who keep the brown envelopes coming to Luthuli House.”