/ 22 July 1994

Where The Gigolos Go

MOVEABLE FEAST

Marino Corazza

OUR hero throws a choice of shirts on the bed followed by a couple of pairs of trousers. Then come the jackets. He mixes and matches, crushed silk with extra light cashmere, linen with gabardine, Armani, Versace and Moschino, and Carvela croc shoes for that maximum understated effectiveness.

On his way out he splashes just enough imported mineral water from the fridge on his hair for that natural slick wet look. Triumphantly he exits into the night. Fade to black (from American Gigolo).

Where does he go? Straight to Caffe Tre Scalini, the honky gigolo and gigola mecca of Joeys, the voyeur’s Taj Mahal where “you can never be too young, too rich or too thin”. (The “too rich” part is a bit dubious; I suspect plastic plays a major part here.)

The sanctum is cloistered by a glass-enclosed verandah for warmth, but also for humans to be displayed, as in window shopping. Call it transparent if you like, but this is the real thing, where the yuppies, trendies, glitzies and smaltzies congregate to put on “the stance” — surrounded by marble table-top counters, imported beers, ice-cream fridge, liqueurs and conversation spiced with the words “scenario”, “yen” and “bottom line”.

What does one actually do here? Ogle till you drop. But what about something to nosh?

The menu is high and wide to cover any whim. The very fashionable tramezzino with a variety of fillings goes for about 17 bucks. The austerity-trend ciabatta bread rolls with a choice of assorted cold meats goes for 18 bucks. Average price for a plate of pasta is 26 bucks. This is certainly not your cheap and cheerful kind of joint.

The chef’s speciality is schwarma, chicken or beef. That’s like serving boerewors rolls at Chez Patrice.

Never mind. The true measure of excellence in any noteworthy cafe is the quality of the espresso.

Now, an exceptional espresso must be like the cream of the coffee, steam blasted through ample fresh ground arabica coffee beans to produce hot and strong smooth froth, coffee ebony with an almond rich top. The shot should hit you right between the eyes, cause mild palpitations and slight trembling of the hand.

For the best results the machine should be kept clean, the water purified and the best coffee ground for it.

I inquired and was shown the vacuum packed segafredo beans. The machine was the reputable San Marco. All the prerequisites were there but the end result wasn’t up to it. Espresso it certainly wasn’t, as it seemed like eons before the somnolent waitress could deliver it. When it did arrive, it was too weak, as well as lukewarm, with the consistency of dishwater. Ding for R3,65. Well, you can’t win them all.

So for consolation, while dragging on a cigarette, I returned to the menu — to the drinks section, where they serve fruit- flavoured vodkas just like they do in Harry’s Bar in Venice.

Hemingway’s haunt has been there for years and will be there for years more. Dare we hope that the Caffe Tre Scalini will enjoy a similar fate? With the well-known fickleness of this city’s patrons, that could be in doubt.

* Caffe Tre Scalini: Corner Tyrwhitt and Keyes Ave, Rosebank.Tel: 788-5553

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NEWS AND OPINION SECTION

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