Native tongue Bafana Khumalo
THIS is a profound apology to all of media consuming=20 South Africa. I am sorry, I never meant any of the=20 things that appeared under my byline in this=20 publication. They were at the behest of a white,=20 middle-aged, male editor that I said all of those=20 things. You know that being a poor black township boy=20 who is fearful of losing his meagre earnings, I had to=20 call Felicia Mabuza-Suttle unsubtle. You are also quite=20 aware — being a person of a superior intellect who can=20 read between the lines — that I never meant a single=20 word when I called Dali Tambo a struggle brat. The same=20 white male is to blame for such derision laid at the=20 door of a good brother.
“What is he on about again,” you say. God, you are=20 bloody predictable. You always ask the same hackneyed=20 question at the same time in my column. Sigh, to think=20 that I thought your intellect was superior. I will=20 explain. The reason I am flogging myself and begging=20 for forgiveness from you is that I recently, in a=20 momentary lapse of designer sanity decided to accept a=20 job on television as a presenter. Ja, I sure did,=20
There shouldn’t be a problem with that apart from the=20 fact that prior to this column I used to write a=20 television column and I was less than lenient in my=20 critique of other people’s performances on the little=20 box. I thought that I would, for eternity, remain safe=20 in my little corner and not have to be subjected to the=20 type of homicidal reviews that I gave other people.=20 Now, in an attempt to get standing room on the gravy=20 train I said “Yes” to a white woman when she said I=20 would be a reasonable presenter and would I come to an=20
I went and got the job and will now be co-presenting a=20 show called The Works on NNTV, our public broadcaster=20 wannabe. Well, I did consider turning it down but I=20 thought about all the positive things that will come=20 out of that. Already I have been walking around=20 practising my Soweto-to-Hollywood smile and greeting.=20 Gone now is the three-point Afrocentric handshake. That=20 has now been replaced by dark glasses at night and a=20 kiss blown from across the room and an “I love you all=20 brothers, keep the peace” nonchalantly thrown in. Ah!=20 It is great to be a personality. I have, even at this=20 early stage of my television career — very early=20 indeed considering that I haven’t actually done any=20 presenting yet — picked up all the eccentricities of a=20 10 cent personality. Like using the phrase “off the=20 record”. I have always wanted to use the phrase and I=20 got the opportunity while giving an interview to a=20 reporter from another newspaper — notice the derision=20 with which the word reporter is said — and the first=20 thing that I said after she posed a question was, “this=20 is off the record”. The moment we went on the record I=20 proceeded to repeat everything that I had said off the=20 record. It is nice to be an interviewee and I am=20 milking it dry, I must say.
There is, however, a downside to this 10 cent superstar=20 thing. The main problem is that I have to wear make-up=20 whenever I have anything done on the programme. I have=20 never had any feelings about make-up as I have never=20 had to wear it anywhere. Now I hate it. Especially=20 after a close encounter of the macho kind I experienced=20 after I had been shooting a series of publicity shots.=20
I had forgotten to wash off the make-up — a brownish=20 substance with a musk smell. That would not have been a=20 problem did I not have to ride in a taxi next to a=20 sister so macho she made Wesley Snipes look decidedly=20 wimpy. As soon as the fares had been collected the good=20 sister sniffed around and looked at the three men=20 around her, one of them being yours truly. “Is anyone=20 here wearing make-up?” she asked, her nose seemingly=20 too close to her mouth. The other two brothers, equally=20 macho, glance at her with looks that said, “the woman=20 is asking for it,” and found something interesting to=20 study in the crawling traffic outside. Feeling=20 particularly guilty and not wanting to attract=20 attention to myself I sheepishly kept quiet and besides=20 I do not know how to put on the look. I should not have=20 done that for she thought that I was the easy target.=20 She turned to me and said, “Sorry buti, are you wearing=20 make-up, what is your girlfriend wearing if you use her=20
I had to sit in the taxi, trapped, hoping that=20 something horrendous happened to the woman who was=20 making fun of me. I did not say a word as other people=20 joined in the conversation trying to explain to each=20 other that in the liberated 1990s there is nothing=20 wrong with men getting in touch with their feminine=20 side. If only I could tell the people that the only=20 side I was getting in touch with was the famous side.=20
This, I suppose is my application for indemnity from=20 all the readers of this column. This indemnity I=20 demand. If for some reason anyone feels that I am not=20 deserving of such forgiveness I will not go down alone.=20 I will reveal everything that I know about my white,=20 male, English-speaking editor. For now let me say that=20 I will see you on the telly as it is my turn to say:=20 “Unfortunately we are running out of time and could=20 you, in six and a half seconds, give us your concluding=20 remarks based on your 10 000 page dissertation?”