Robert Kirby: Loose cannon
I spent a most enlightening two hours last week phoning up a few of the leading restaurants in the charismatic Boland. I was phoning around because some generous friends from up north had invited my wife and I out to have dinner in one of the areas famous gastronomic establishments, particularly one of those bearing an impressive names preceded by a la or le.
Before being beguiled into an experience I might later regret, I wanted to find out whether there is such a thing as a Boland restaurant that does not believe in drooling recorded music over its customers.
Background music is the aural equivalent of littering except its about five times as offensive. You can look away from something in disgust, but its much harder to divert your ears. I recently managed a whole 12 minutes in an extremely upmarket Johannesburg restaurant, listening to 70 or so people literally shrieking at each other over the taped goonsong. No amount of persuasion would make the restaurateur turn it down.
On the matter of recorded music in restaurants and with his enthusiastic approval I quote Nick Seewers, MD for Southern Africa of Orient Express International Hotels.
Seewers runs the Mount Nelson in Cape Town and his opinions on recorded background music in restaurants are unequivocal. Its a rather unpleasant fashion of the 60s and 70s and which no decent restaurant anywhere in the world would dream of imposing on its customers. People go to restaurants for the food and the conversation that goes with the food. Steakhouses, yes. Restaurants, definitely no.
For the practical reason that the Mail & Guardian already has more than enough defamation suits hanging in its lawyers cupboards, I am not going to name the establishments I phoned. These numbered eight. With two exceptions they flatly refused even to discuss the matter. It was a case of: Yes, we play music. No, we wont stop this even if you ask.
In response to one inquiry to one of the best-known establishments I might add I could hear an annoyed voice which I was clearly not meant to hear. Tell him is wants to eat without music he must bring earplugs or fuck off somewhere else.
No, I am not making this up. I asked one of the restaurants if they had a non-smoking section. Oh yes, replied this sweet young thing, walking into the trap like a moose on crutches. Some people hate having to inhale second-hand smoke. Now, theres a particular breed of fluffhead which manages to be truly stupid and profoundly insulting at the same time.
To my inquiry about being forced to consume second-hand music, you could see her lip curl. Most people, she sneered, actually like music, you know.
I decided to try the experts. I phoned up the local tourist information centre where, after some heavy persuasion, I was allowed to speak to someone called the Lady in Charge.
Five minutes later I finished this conversation feeling like Id been trying to explain quantum physics to a paw-paw tree. The Lady in Charge was utterly incapable of understanding the difference between a complaint and an inquiry. Every time I asked whether she knew of any restaurants which didnt play recorded background she responded with exactly the same phrases: I am afraid all complaints have to be put in writing. When they next meet, the committee will then be deciding on them.
Rescue came at the last moment. Le Ballon Rouge, a restaurant in Franschhoek, has successfully adapted to this end of the 20th century. If you dont want music, they wont play it. We spent an enchanting evening there. Not one of about 30 other customers complained about the lack of background music. The hum of happy quiet conversation was the gracious complement to a perfect meal
Elsewhere, in the Boland anyway, the steakhouse mentality rules. So dont forget you earplugs.
BLURB: Background music is the aural equivalent of littering