/ 16 January 1998

Krijan Lemmer

Raparazzi!

Residents of Pretoria whose slumbers were disturbed by the squeal of car tyres on Wednesday night might be interested to know that the noise signalled the arrival of the paparazzi phenomenon in the capital. The high-speed car chase was precipitated by Rapport newspaper, whose photographers have been camped for a fortnight outside the home of the cult singer, Natani`l.

The obsessive interest follows Natani`l’s disclosure that he has undergone cosmetic surgery. The Afrikaans press seems convinced that the singer had a major revamp ^ la talk-show host Felicia Mabuza- Suttle. Lemmer can assure them the surgery is so minor his fans will not notice the changes under the make-up in performance. We would also offer them a cautionary tale about a princess …

Shining examples

On the window of the security room at the entrance to the Johannesburg building housing the South African Diamond Board and the Jewel City diamond complex is a poster which reads: “For security reasons it is necessary to tighten controls on SAPS members entering this building.” Whatever can this mean? The only answer Lemmer can offer is by way of noting that the man in charge of security at the building is our old friend, Slang van Zyl, former security branch officer and a prominent member of the apartheid hit squad, the Civil Co- operation Bureau. It takes one to know one?

Sacre Beau!

A letter in the Sowetan tells readers of a feminist Shangri-La off the Great North Motorway, near Nylstroom in the Northern Province. Designed as a “friendly peace haven for women”, it “has been recently established in keeping with the political correctness of gender equality and women’s empowerment”. The name of this paradise: “Rainbeau Rest Camp.” Sounds like Beau Brummell is running short of porn stars.

Don’s holiday

While the Ministry of Minerals and Energy was busy finalising its probe into the Emanuel Shaw II scandal this week, news came through that Keith Kunene, a member of the state oil company board, had become its acting chair. It seemed the company’s chief, Don Mkhwanazi, had finally had the good sense to throw in the towel after being implicated in the scandal. The ministry, however, knew nothing of the development and started investigating after inquiries from the press. They discovered that, far from resigning, Mkhwanazi had chosen this critical time to take a few weeks’ leave. With typical sensitivity to the principle of accountability, he had failed to inform the ministry of his decision.

Nelson’s Dictionary of Phrase & Fable (1st edition):

Lay assessor. Seeing-eye dog for magistrates.

Dolly. A sheep that was cloned in the late 20th century. Viewed as unnecessary by Australians.

Bill Gates. The lummox who said in the 1980s that a computer would never need more than 640k of RAM. Became the richest man in the world proving himself wrong.