Loose cannon: Robert Kirby
I can’t imagine why such a fuss is being made about the appointment of Mr Ramesh Vassen as consul general to India. Anyone with two eyes in his head could see it coming a mile off. The appointment of one’s political buddies into high office has always been within the purview of party high-railers who, more often than not, got their own positions by similar means.
It’s how politicians weld themselves into position. Once they’ve landed a high government post, the first thing they have to see to are all the favours being called in. All that dirty work done on their behalf in the past. These favours must be rewarded in good coin. What better than a richly paid job in the system, preferably one which promises lively kickbacks for the politician doing the appointing?
If questioned, the politicians will justify such cronyism by instantly slipping into Suppository Thinking mode. It’s called “Suppository” because it works just like the real thing: half an hour after you shove it up your arse out comes a tramful (TRAMFUL) of shit. Politicians in Suppository Thinking mode will say things like: “He did so much for our struggle” or “He paid it all back to the blind cripples’ home, didn’t he” and “Apart from my mother he was obviously the best man for the job”.
The whole process is called: Get Elected And Rich – or Gear.
What deserves most acclaim in the Vassengate affair is the admirably transparent way the African National Congress is asserting its faith in the above methodology.
With their recent re-engagement of Eugene Nyati, the rehabilitation into the fold of those two chappies previously suspended for corruption and, of course, the appointment of Mr Vassen, the ANC deserves admiration for being quite open and unashamed of what is now clearly its embraced policy: to employ as many thieves, liars, highwaymen, lawyers and child maintenance defaulters as constitutionally possible.
It hasn’t been easy. Even with insider prototypes like those fashioned by The Most Adorable, Honourable and Tastefully Perfumed Jay Naidoo, Minister of Posts, Telegraphs and Impenetrable Hyperbole. Jay is among the leading exponents of the policy of giving fraudulent public servants second and more lucrative chances to sink their arms into the till.
No sooner had two of the Independent Broadcasting Authority councillors resigned in public disgrace – for having abused their credit cards and generally behaving as though honesty were the only luxury they couldn’t afford – than they were immediately appointed to high positions as “advisers” in Jay’s ministry. In the Naidoo portfolio the word “posts” has a very specialised meaning.
It’s paid off, though. Lyndall Shope-Mafole, one of the ex-councillors, is about to take up an even higher position, this time in the diplomatic service in Geneva. As a diplomat she’s going to be a winner. Watching her on several occasions, aggressively refusing to pay back her graft – no humble “I’ve paid my debt to society” for Lyndall – Aziz and Alfie were thinking very positively when they posted her to Geneva. All those plump expense accounts. So close to all those lovely banks. True talent deserves all the opportunity it can get.
But it has taken Mr Dullah Omar – stung to the quick by NoseWeek’s revelations about the extraordinary number of his ex-partners and employees who now hold high public office – to make the official announcement about the ANC’s formal incorporation of cronyism. He thundered: “I am surprised the press named so few. There are dozens more who worked with me who are in prominent positions now and I am very proud of it.”
Mind you, it’s not aIl straight cronyism. Sometimes it’s just good forward-thinking. Take the case of one of Mr Omar’s ex- professional assistants who found himself suddenly appointed as a judge?
Yusuf Ebrahim, currently warming a bench in Bisho, didn’t even need a criminal record to enhance his claim to judicial elevation. He had a more distinct advantage in that, since he does not have a visible law degree, he can never be struck off any lawyers’ roll. Nice One, Dullah!
In spite of other patent evidence – like the fact that they’re about to hold a whole summit on how corruption works – the final acknowledgement of the ANC’s new policy came in an audacious display of strumpet indignation by Mr Aziz Pahad.
While pissing very energetically up the racist rope, Pahad justified the Vassen appointment on the grounds that, because corruption is so endemic in South Africa, Mr Vassen’s particular thievery “might not have come to our attention”.
How very elegantly you phrase it, Aziz.