Robert Kirby
LOOSE CANNON
The marrow concept of the “African renaissance” will be getting its biggest endorsement later this year when the first Trans-Africa Motorcade Rally gets under way. The Mail & Guardian is privileged to be the first newspaper to publish details of this enterprising event.
The founding idea of the Trans-Africa Motorcade Rally is beguilingly fatuous. African political leaders who still have working motorcades continually feel the need to share them with a greater public. As the leading newspaper The Libreville Observer affirmed: “When the actions of one’s political leaders have left one homeless, starving and racked by disease, there’s nothing like the sense of rebirth one gets from seeing a long line of motorcycle outriders, goon-carriers and luxury German sedans whizzing past the fragment of rainforest within which one has been forced to seek refuge.”
Motorcade Rally competitors will be divided into three categories: Presidential, Royalty and Military. In the first category entrants will be limited to a total of eight motorcycle outriders, four limousines, six security-police-packed Landcruisers and two troop-carriers. Total complements not to exceed 300. Firm favourite in this category is, of course, Namibia’s President Sam Nujoma, whose weekly 140km sprints through Windhoek have become a joyous weekly event. Robert Mugabe’s Volvo/Mercedes team (owned by the IMF and trained by Ronnie Kasrils) is a strong contender here, as is Colonel Moammar Gadaffi who intends using the rally to field test the new Libyan-built luxury sedan.
Major contender in the Royalty Class will, of course, be King Goodwill Zwelethini who will forswear the Zulu traditional use of army helicopters. His Majesty’s apparently considering doing the whole thing in a horse-drawn golden carriage accompanied by a chorus of Hluhluwe virgins. Which is not to say that helicopters and other air-cover won’t be used. Several squadrons of airborne support teams will carry emergency liquor supplies, all the long red carpets, banqueting paraphernalia, presidential sycophants and catamites.
Landmine-detecting vehicles will precede each motorcade as will Korean-trained platoons of beaters to make sure that there are enough deliriously enthusiastic spectators lining the routes.
Penalties will be issued for any motorcade not grossly exceeding a stipulated minimum speed of 120kph, especially when passing through leper colonies and Catholic outposts. The obvious exception to this rule is the Military Class whose tanks and armoured cars will be given handicap advantage and can gain valuable extra points if they also ignite the said colonies and outposts as they pass through. In this category the obvious top contenders are the crack Demolish, Ravish and Conflagrate (DRC) team.
The rally rules are basic but firm. The central political or military figure of a particular motorcade must be physically present in his limousine or tank for at least 60% of the journey. The rally will be run in stages with a stop at least once a week for an urgent OAU summit.
The motorcades will follow no specified routes. Instead, five minutes before Thami Mazwai gives his blast on the starting bugle, each team will be notified of the destination. They will all begin in Mombasa, but the destination could be anywhere from Dakar to Ulundi. Teams will be expected to choose their own routes. Here another interesting rule comes into play. Trans-Africa Motorcade Rally teams must arrive at the destination with no more than a third of their complements having been lost to rebel armies, snakebite, sacrificial ceremonies or CIA-introduced plagueforms. A cut-off date will be announced at the start, allowing 12 weeks in all.
The first Trans-Africa Motorcade Rally, affectionately nicknamed Buffooner- Buffooner, begins in early August.