On Sunday the film world will turn towards Hollywood and this year's Oscars. But you will search in vain for an award for overacting, and there'll be no mention of the Best Performance By An Arse. Righting that wrong, Andrew Collins presents the Alternative Oscars.
Most obvious miscasting
Matthew Broderick as Inspector Gadget in Inspector Gadget
Kenneth Branagh as the surrogate Woody Allen in Celebrity
Liv Tyler as a 19th-century Russian aristocrat in Onegin
Joan Collins as an 18th-century aristocrat in The Clandestine Marriage
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman as a couple in Eyes Wide Shut
Worst case of overacting
Ahmed Best as Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace
Joan Cusack as Jessie in Toy Story 2
Christopher Walken as the Hessian Horseman in Sleepy Hollow
James Woods as Jack Crow in John Carpenter’s Vampires
Best role by an arse
Rhys Ifans in Notting Hill
Ralph Fiennes in The End of the Affair
Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut
Salma Hayek in Wild Wild West
Various actors in Romance
Fattest neck
Michael Clarke Duncan, The Green Mile
John Travolta, The General’s Daughter
John Travolta, A Civil Action
Jean-Claude van Damme, Universal Soldier: The Return
Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story 2
Most stupid name
Spencer Armacost (Johnny Depp) in The Astronaut’s Wife
Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) in Fight Club
Ted Pikul (Jude Law) in eXistenZ
Max California (Joaquin Phoenix) in 8mm
Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) in Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace
Poorest period detail
The King’s Road-style punk band performing at CBGBs in 1977 in Summer of Sam
Matt Damon’s six-pack in The Talented Mr Ripley
The tub of pink hair gel in 1977 in Whatever Happened to Harold Smith?
The techno soundtrack in Plunkett and Macleane
Almost everything in Wild Wild West
Least-wanted moment
Robin Williams making Holocaust victims laugh in Jakob the Liar
Tom Hanks battling with a urinary infection in The Green Mile
Will Smith and Kenneth Branagh trading cripple and black insults in Wild Wild West
Tom Cruise saying “Respect the cock” in Magnolia
Wes Craven directing Meryl Streep in Music of the Heart
Worst starring role
Clint Eastwood, True Crime
Anjelica Huston, Agnes Browne
Geoffrey Rush, House on Haunted Hill
Robin Williams, Bicentennial Man
Chris Rea, Parting Shots
Worst sequel
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Gregory’s Two Girls
The Rage: Carrie II
Next Friday
Universal Soldier: The Return
Briefest appearance
Dexter Fletcher, Topsy-Turvy
Katrin Cartlidge, Topsy-Turvy
Sarah Michelle Gellar, She’s All That
Anne Bancroft, The 13th Warrior
Brad Pitt, Being John Malkovich
Award for bad accents
Anjelica Huston (Irish) in Agnes Browne
Bob Hoskins (Birmingham) in Felicia’s Journey
Richard E Grant (Scottish) in The Match
John Hannah (Canadian) in The Hurricane
Ahmed Best (Gungan) in Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace
Saddest self-parody
Ray Winstone as Ray in Final Cut
Terence Stamp as Wilson in The Limey
Robert de Niro as Paul Vitti in Analyze This
James Caan as Frank in Mickey Blue-Eyes
Yoda in Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace