Cameron Duodu Letter from the North OMan, I admire this Governor [Ahmed] Sani of Zamfara [State of Nigeria]. He just goes ahead and does his things without any noise-making preambles declares sharia, flies prostitutes to Mecca, cuts off someoneOs hand, summons 2 000 beggars, supplies 100 donkeys to supplement okadas [motor-bike taxis], promises to flog any youth [Christian or no Christian] caught drinking outside the army barracks. He has got real balls.O
Letter to Naijanet (Scene: The Council of States chamber, Abuja. Governors of NigeriaOs states are meeting, chaired by President Olusegun Obasanjo)
Obasanjo: Gentlemen, welcome. I take it you have all read the National Security AdviserOs report. People are creating too much confusion over the sharia issue, which is a non-political, but a religious matter. Southern governor 1: Mr President, I donOt know how you define OpoliticalO and OreligiousO in this context. If Governor Sani believes that his beard is enjoying an over-exuberant growth because God loves him, that is a religious belief. But if Governor Sani decrees that everyone in Zamfara should grow his beard to a length only two-thirds that of SaniOs, so that everyone in his state should know whom God loves best, then that is surely a political act calculated to entrench SaniOs leadership position. Sani: But would my decree affect Christians? It would only affect Muslims. Southern governor 2: But canOt you see the political implication? Suppose someone with a beard of the correct length (according to Sani) and someone with a beard not of the correct length (according to Sani) or without a beard at all, appeared in SaniOs office to try to see Sani, whom would the correctly bearded (according to Sani) receptionist favour? Northern governor B: A good Muslim would not discriminate against anyone on the basis of religion. Southern governor 3: And, of course, you would be able to read the hearts of all your employees to know who is a good Muslim who wouldnOt discriminate against non- Muslims?
Northern governor B: You people make it appear that everything is the fault of the North! But you have been discriminating against us for a long time. How many female bank clerks, or typists, do you see in southern offices, wearing Islam-approved clothing? If you wanted a secretary and one of the applicants came in a miniskirt showing her beautiful legs and provocative behind, and the other came with a veil over her face and floor-length dress so that you could only see her two eyes, which one would you employ? Obasanjo: Speak for yourself! (General laughter) Southern governor 4: So you have been ogling beautiful curves, all along, eh, and you want to deny them to your constituents? Northern governor B: Well, as a good Muslim, I have to be aware of all things. Southern governor 2: By the way, Ahmed Sani, how did you know where to find the prostitutes you sent to Mecca? Even more important, how did you know they were real prostitutes? I mean a trip to Mecca is important for every Muslim. Are you sure some of these ladies didnOt impersonate prostitutes in order to be sent on the pilgrimage free of charge? Southern governor 5: Oh that. Easily explained not everyone becomes a religious guru like Sani from the word go. Maybe he used to enjoy the services of the ladies in his more youthful days, before he repented. Like Saint Paul of the Christians.
(General laughter) Southern governor 6: Sani, do tell us, please do you, or have you ever … Obasanjo: That question would infringe the governorOs constitutional rights. I forbid him to answer. Southern governor 1: Ah, so Mr President, you have read the Constitution? Then why havenOt you gone to the Supreme Court to ask for a ruling on whether it is constitutional or unconstitutional to declare a state, or states, within a secular nation, as entities that can be governed by the laws of one particular religion, to wit, Islam? Obasanjo: The sharia issue is an issue that has to be tackled from the human angle, not a legal-political angle. If Sani and I have a good relationship, then he knows he mustnOt do anything that can be seized upon.
Southern governor 1: By the military to seize power, not so? Every action, or more relevantly, inaction, of yours is geared towards preventing the military from seizing power, isnOt it? Northern governor C: That is a very unfortunate statement. The first rule of leadership is to ensure the preservation of the status quo so that the status quo ante cannot overtake … Southern governor 5: Balderdash. Anyway this debate is getting too apocalyptic anyway. Tell me, Ahmed, why did you donate 100 donkeys to your people? Sani: You donOt know, but we have heard that you guys from the petroleum-producing areas want to cut off our share of the income from petroleum. Some other people want to deny us income from taxes on alcohol. So we are preparing ourselves. We can live without your money. We have donkeys we can ride them. On a donkey cart, a man and woman are separated, even if they travel together. Also, we grow plenty of food in the North. We also have livestock. If you want to deny us a money- economy, we can still survive, InshaOAllah. Southern governor 2: Mr Council Secretary, Governor Sani hereby forfeits his sitting allowance; he surrenders his motor vehicles and his plane ticket. Please send for donkeys for himself and his delegation. He must lead by example. The same goes for all the governors of the sharia states, who have followed SaniOs example. Northern governors: You canOt take away our allowances like that. It is our entitlement!
(Uproar. The thump of blows is heard. Screams. Curtain)