Neal Collins cricket First England beat the West Indies in three days at Lord’s after taking a three-day beating at Edgbaston. Then they needed just two days to go 2-1 up in the series at Headingley. That’s nothing. Based on this trend towards shorter, more exciting Tests, my team of researchers have revealed that, by 2036, England will beat Australia by 0,5 runs in a match played under disco strobe lighting, on a ploughed pitch with balsa wood bats and depleted uranium balls, all in 90 minutes plus injury time. Watch out for the lucrative half-time advertising spots and holographic helmet logos. These same hard-working researchers (Ned and Flo Nickers of Nether Wallop, who invented the invisible cricket box for women and the non-stick wicketkeeper’s gloves I wear to this day) suggest that TV coverage will be provided by flying pigs with miniature cameras attached to their curly tails. England are falling into the trap of thinking the two-day freak show at Headingley, the 16th Test to finish in two days and the first since 1946, is some kind of portent. If I can take you back just three months to England’s comprehensive first-Test win over Zimbabwe, the country had similar fantasies. With the hapless Africans beaten by an innings, Nasser Hussain’s men were being lauded as “playing like Australians” but a couple of weeks later only rain prevented the Zimbabweans from squaring the series at 1-1. We need to be more honest. A win over this particular bunch of Caribbean Collapso artists doesn’t mean England have become the cricketing equivalent of French footballers. All it means is the West Indies, with their only two world- class players – Courtney Walsh and Curtly Ambrose – heading for the final curtain, are close to self-destruction. That said, I fully expect England to succumb to the growing frustration of Ambrose and Walsh in the final Test of the series at The Oval in 10 days. The 73-year-old two-headed pace bowling demon won’t go quietly into retirement. I foresee a drawn series, with Ambrose going out with a bang. Even if somebody with a big chequebook can persuade one or both of the big guys to stay on for another series, the writing is on the wall. With only Jimmy Adams and Shivnarine Chanderpaul (okay, Brian Lara too, now and again) to provide the backbone, the West Indies will struggle to beat Bangladesh and Zimbabwe. Deny it all you want, but a side coming up with regular second innings scores like 61, 54 and 51 desperately need a decent bowling attack. Merv Dillon alone looks capable, and he’s not even in England. England meanwhile have much to do. First they go to Pakistan for a three-match series and a million one-dayers. Then it’s back for Christmas followed by an early 2001 trip to Sri Lanka, island of golden beaches and grotty umpires. Two tough trips to the subcontinent those. If England win those two three-match series – and that’s a big if – then England might just be able to talk in terms of giving Australia a real battle for the Ashes (a tiny trophy filled with burnt bails which used to go to and fro between England and Australia in the old days when the series was competitive).