David Beresford Another country The end of the world is nigh and will be brought about by wind. This latest triumph in speculative physics (or is it meteorology?) arises from contemplation of the vexed question of what happened to the dinosaurs. For those who are not up to speed on this great scientific debate I should explain briefly that paleontological evidence is that at a single point some 65-million years ago about 75% of the species on earth – notably T.Rex & Co. – mysteriously went extinct. This seemingly provided the gap which our ancestors took, evolutionary-wise, to grab control of the real estate. This has, of course, left scientists excitedly debating the biggest “whodunit” since The Mousetrap closed: who did in the dinosaurs? Theories have abounded ranging from an asteroid strike to over-excited volcanic activity, an intercontinental collision, a melt-down of the polar ice-caps and fear of being discovered by Hollywood. I have explained in this column my theory (“Beresford’s First 1.1/2 theorems from Concerning Existence Vol 1”) that we and the Net comprise a single brain. This, as loyal readers will recall, accounts for major scientific breakthroughs taking place simultaneously around the world … and explains why those seeking to be distinguished scientists would do well by following Einstein’s example and adopting an eccentric hair-do in the hope of standing out in the inevitable close finish with regard to discovery. A further piece of advice (Ibid Vol 2) to ambitious scientists – at least until the concept of “intellectual property rights” is abandoned – is to keep a wary eye open for similar hypotheses which are floated in different parts of the world simultaneously. Then one can grasp the opportunity and, in a manner of speaking, with one swift stride nudge the ball across the goal line – like a striker in soccer who then goes berserk running around the field in the hope of persuading onlookers that he really is worth a R1/4 -billion transfer fee. Well, my opportunity came just recently when I stumbled across a BBC report on the Net in which a Chinese newspaper quoted a French scientist as saying it had been established that the dinosaurs munched between 130 and 260 tons of food a day. The digestive process, the report went on, produced so much methane gas that it had ripped open the ozone layer and wiped out the giant animals.
Now, I know this will be received with some incredulity out there among the great unwashed, but we intellectuals and scientists are required to keep an open mind on these things. Thank heavens I did, because shortly thereafter I stumbled across a similar report put out by the Sapa quoting the Financial Times in London. This disclosed that up to 25% of methane gas in the atmosphere was produced by the guzzling of cows. The Times added anxiously that British scientists were so worried by the contribution this was making to the greenhouse effect that they were proposing to feed special bacteria to cows which would break down the gas before they …. well, emitted it. This clearly supported the dinosaur theory, but it also tied in with another riddle which has been lying in the cellars of my memory for years. The earlier mystery was raised for me by the Bunuel film, The Discreet lllCharm lllof the llBour- lllgeoisie, llland the dinner-party scene. It has the guests sitting on toilets instead of chairs. Every now and then one of them retires discreetly to a small private room set aside for the purpose and has something to eat. The challenging question posed by Bunuel was obvious: why are we so open – indeed, convivial – about proceedings at one end and so secretive about those at the other end? Well, coming after the dinosaur theory and on top of the cow scare all it takes is a nod and the ball is headed into the net to the adulation of the crowds.
The answer lies in the detail that there are far more human beings on earth than there are cows, or were dinosaurs. In other words we cover up proceedings at the “other” end, because we know our destiny lies within us and are ashamed that we are doing nothing about it except … ! I have already sent my draft announcement to the presidency and am standing by the fax machine, awaiting the acknow- ledgement. I wonder what he will say. The Meritorious Order of Good Hope (First Class) with Crossed Test Tubes, no doubt! He has, I am sure, already e-mailed his fellow heads of state, urging them to fit personal exhaust pipes as an example to citizens. Needless to say I have now invested heavily in platinum. It will no doubt go down as Beresford’s Theory of Flatulence. I won’t patent it. The discovery seems secure.