sunday, 1.15pm I’m at my mom’s house, enjoying a traditional Cape Flats lunch: yellow rice, beetroot, sweetcorn, overcooked carrots, roast potatoes, roast chicken, roast lamb – you know, the usual. I hungrily stare at the prepared feast and momentarily experience feelings of guilt about the fact that I’m not vegetarian, thinking how devastated some of my new best white friends would be when they discover how creative some of us can be with dead animals. Yummy. Mommy Lottering encourages everyone around the table to eat heartily, but to be extremely cautious about not getting any beetroot on to the beige doilies. The telephone rings and my five-year-old nephew runs for the phone, interrogating some poor sucker for nearly five minutes until one of the adults around the table decides to put the caller out of her misery.
The caller turns out to be Auntie Lorna, frantically (but justifiably) disturbing our ritual to announce that her 22-year- old, single daughter, Denise, has just unveiled her unplanned pregnancy. I instantly drop my stainless steel fork with the full realisation that I am going to have to project-manage this catastrophe from here on.
7.30pm
The family, the extended family and their respective neighbours, have all been informed about Denise’s fall from grace. I instinctively take charge and call for an urgent family meeting, to be held in the morning. Everyone understands the necessity for this. For some it could mean a day of unpaid leave. But this is a small price to pay, in light of the fact that a wedding needs to be planned. Pronto.
monday, 10am Everyone’s arrives for the scheduled meeting, except for Uncle Sedrick who calls to say that he has, yet again, experienced some problems getting his Valiant started. Auntie Lorna looks tired, but it’s clear that she’ll survive this one. She’s been through much worse, like the time when her home was burgled and they stole all her curlers. The rest of the family looks anxious. But the overall mood is resilient. Denise looks pregnant and bewildered.
1.40pm
There is uniform consensus that Denise will be joined in holy matrimony on Saturday morning. Her boyfriend has a good job with a reputable insurance company, so medical aid and housing bonds are not issues of concern.
3.20pm
Uncle Sedrick arrives with brandy and coke. The Valiant got started just after lunch.
tuesday, 9.20am I cannot find a venue for the reception at such short notice, but fortunately I have a connection at the city council. I call him. I promise Shahied complimentary tickets for my next show if we can get the Civic Centre down the road this Saturday morning. Sorted.
wednesday, 2.30pm Auntie Lorna calls me, in quite a state. She urgently requires that I speak with Denise. Denise wants her best friend to be her bridesmaid. But Denise’s best friend is quite dark with problem hair. Almost too dark for peach, which is the only colour dress available from the bridal-hiring store. I speak to Denise and get her to agree to having her best friend hand out confetti at the door of the church, which ”quite frankly is regarded as being a more high-profiled cameo position”. Denise believes me because I speak well. We agree to call upon the services of a fair and distant cousin, to fill the shoes of the bridesmaid.
thursday, 7.30am I coordinate the telephonic invitation process, issuing a core of eloquent family members with list of names of potential wedding guests, as provided by Auntie Lorna.
I eliminate two names from the list. One is a notorious kleptomaniac, regularly spotted leaving weddings on the Cape Flats with a swollen handbag of trifle and fruit. The other, an ex-girlfriend who’s doing well for herself.
friday, 10am I write the speeches for Denise, her parents and her husband-to-be, ensuring that everyone is concise, making a special note for Denise not too bashfully refer to her parents-in-law as mommy and daddy while making her speech. There are only so many oohs and aahs that can be generated out of that tired little act. Besides, it is now common knowledge that Denise is not that bashful.
saturday, 11.30am Denise is in tears because I have forgotten to organise the bridal car. Fortunately, because I say my prayers religiously, God smiles down on me in the form of a very jovial Uncle Sedrick and his Valiant, which happens to start this morning. Denise arrives at the church. On time and in style.
I smile. Just another week in the life of a multi-talented ou from the Cape Flats.