This period of transition from one year to the next is, for many of us, a time for reflection and for adoption of new resolutions.
I feel it would be out of place for me, at this stage, to write directly to the president to discuss my ambitions and to seek support, but hope that I can share my thoughts with somebody like you: a man who can be counted among the few who are trusted by our leader. I am hopeful that, before long, I will gain inclusion into that inner circle.
In reviewing my life, I have been trying to understand its low trajectory. From self-improvement material I have been reading, it seems that my modest achievements are essentially the product of my failure to set proper goals for myself. During the course of my reading I have learnt of the importance of having an appropriate role model as a point of reference and a source of motivation. This is where you fit in. I have committed myself to becoming a Cabinet minister and feel both inspired and assured by your example in particular.
Colleagues withnn whom I have discussed my aspirations have been less than encouraging. They have suggested that to gain access to high office and to breathe the same air as our leader, special qualities of leadership are required. I am told that these are not among my strong points. Of course, you and I both know that upward mobility has little to do with outmoded and elitist notions of merit and ability. There is, frankly, no substitute for tactical acumen.
I am sure that you can back me up when I say there is substance to the adage that our personalnn advancement depends not on what we know, but onnn whom we know. Such is life. I am therefore sure that, like me, you are annoyed at having to listen to criticism of ”jobs for pals” and ”cronyism”. What is wrong with rewarding loyalty and filling positions with people who can be trusted?
Since my decision to remodel myself on your example, I have been surfing the Internet in search of information about you to chart my way. Surprisingly, the event that, to my mind, stands out as the defining moment of your career is not recorded in your biographical details as appear on the government website. There, for example, particulars of your ”Career/Memberships/Positions/Other Activities” include information of doubtful relevance, such as that you represented the South African Communist Party on the editorial council of the World Marxist Review from 1975 to 1985. I gather that it was while serving on this council that you became convinced of the progressive essence of Thatcherism as the economic model for a democratic South Africa. There is, however, no mention in your Internet resum of your finest hour, your position as the best man at the wedding of our leader to Zanele, in 1974.
This has got me thinking. I am confident that I am best man material that I can be relied on to remember the rings, to read the telegrams with the right tone and to see that the drinks are watered down so that things don’t turn ugly. More important, however, is the strategic vision involved in finding the right groom.
With a Cabinet post in mind, I am going to need some tips from you from the inside. Can you give me some names of rising stars who are a good bet for the presidency and who are likely to be getting married in the next few years? You will need to assist me to befriend whomever I will be toasting at the reception, and serving in the office of the presidency in years to come. Maybe you can let me have a copy of the speech that you delivered at our leader’s own reception. There is no substitute for a tried and tested precedent and I am willing to pay.
As far as Plan B needs to be in place, do you think that if I fail to secure anything as best man, inclusion on the guest list will at least be good enough for appointment in due course as a deputy minister? I have the example of your brother, Aziz, in mind. Did he merely have to pitch up on the day to toast the bride and groom, or did he play a more integral role like ensuring that the bar was stocked with the appropriately labelled whisky? You will also need to give me some ideas about gifts and whether the outlay has a bearing on whether one gets foreign affairs or something demeaning like arts and culture.
Having dedicated myself to following your footwork along the path to power, I must say that I felt personally slighted at one of the observations on the Net that you are ”decidedly a back-room boy”. If you want my thoughts on the matter, this kind of slight probably comes from some of your comrades in the Cabinet people who are envious that you have the ear of our leader and are credited as a minister, when you have no department to run.
This latter aspect is among the reasons I have chosen your example for my career development. Who needs the aggravation of having to manage a department and be accountable for this absurd notion of ”delivery” which the stagnant left keep harping on about? While your Cabinet colleagues are being taken to task for spending money on military hardware, failing to spend poverty relief funds, allowing people to wither and die without anti-retroviral treatment, or the incidence of corruption in their departments, your position, with nothing of substance to be gauged or to account for, is clearly the way to go.
Obviously, if the privatisation plans pick up real momentum, your post, without any public responsibility, will serve as a blueprint for the entire Cabinet the privatised ideal of a ceremonial Cabinet without Portfolio with the benefit, of course, of ministerial remuneration. We will be able to drastically cut back taxes, limiting government expenditure to ministerial salaries and the military. That, however, is detail which we can discuss when I assume office.
I must disclose that my interest in serving my country at Cabinet level is not merely to gain due acclaim as a celebrated representative of the democratic will. I like the commercial possibilities. The seven-figure package, the palatial accommodation, the opportunity to travel first class, and the standard of food and drink on offer at state banquets obviously have their appeal. I always felt that these perks were on the obscene side before 1994, but like the current idea that these are the fruits of liberation that the masses have always wanted us, as leaders, to taste.
We must, however, look at the bigger picture. The real money is in arms deals, and, what better place to get on the inside track and to develop the right network than in the Cabinet itself. It would be short-sighted not to look ahead. The day will come when you (and I) will leave public life and will need to be set up with big numbers to spend in our twilight years.
I suspect that you may well, in considering these unexpected proposals from me, be wondering what is really in it for you besides what I may agree to pay you for that wedding speech and information regarding those with thoughts of marriage. You need to consider the long term and this is where I can assist.
Think about it. Our leader’s epoch stands to be arbitrarily curtailed because there is this absurd constitutional restriction to no more than two presidential terms. What will happen to you, without our leader’s patronage, when he goes?
Great work has been done in getting rid of the likes of Cyril Ramaphosa, Bantu Holomisa, Jay Naidoo, Tokyo Sexwale and Mac Maharaj. But is that enough? Even assuming that there is no attempt at a come-back by any of the reptiles named above, on whom among the current Cabinet can we depend to give you (and me) a position and something to do when one of them gains access to the presidency?
We are going to have to see to it that the Constitution is changed to ensure that our leader remains in office for his lifetime, but more importantly, for yours. I am happy to assist with the drafting and will get to work on essential amendments.
Obviously, until the appropriate time comes for my appointment, we will need to establish a basis for working together in some way to ensure that I am properly prepared. I was thinking of some intelligence-related capacity in which I pass information on to you regarding enemies of democracy who are critical of our leader. We must be careful not to duplicate our efforts. I suggest that while you continue to keep an eye on unpatriotic doubters in the alliance, I accept the brief to keep tabs on professional colleagues and my circle of friends and family members.
We must remain vigilant.
I look forward to working with you. Please don’t forget to keep me updated about wedding prospects.
Yours in the struggle for a lifelong presidency,
Letters to the Best Man will appear fortnightly