David Beresford
Another Country
This space has had to be used again this week to accommodate the heated debate over the merits, or otherwise of Another Country, the column that usually fills it.
Regretfully, after receiving a letter from David Beresford’s representatives, we are compelled to regard the subject as having now been fully ventilated and at an end with the publication of the following.
You’ve been duped
With regard to your correspondence on these pages with reference to David Beresford’s column, I would suggest that you examine the credentials of your correspondents. The statement “Lex civius romanus putem est” is a nonsense and Cicero certainly never said it.
The signature “Purcher CJ, Botswana” would seem to denote the chief justice of Botswana, whose name I will not disclose for fear of further scurrilous attack, but it is not “Purcher”.
Further investigation discloses there is no “Purcher”, whether enjoying the
initials “CJ”, or not, to be found in the Botswana telephone directory. I would suggest you have been the target of a hoax. Yours truly. Prof Francis Mpele, Department of Classical Studies, University of the Western Cape
Action will be taken
We are instructed by our clients who choose not to be identified at this stage to point out that the attacks on Beresford for his column Another Country about Parkinson’s disease among other subjects, come dangerously close to creating a stereotype of a kind outlawed in the Constitution of the Republic of South Africa as discriminatory. Our clients would caution you that any suggestion they suffer a chronic disease is actionable. Jacob Viljoen, Nkosi, Gates, Buttery & Partners, Higgovale Extension
Right on, Potgieter
I was very pleased to read the letter of complaint from B Potgieter in your newspaper about Beresford. I would have written in similar terms earlier, but could not do so, being privy to certain facts, which I will disclose at the appropriate time for the usual fee. Yours. Ashly Singh, secretary, Campaign for Truth in Public Life, (address witheld)
What lies beneath
Maybe if Beresford took off his beard we would find Elvis underneath. Or the Abominable Snowman. Or a squashed tomato.
Say hello to Father Christmas for me if you see him. Michael Stafford, Std 4f (remedial), St John’s School, Welkom PS. I forgot to put a stamp on my envelope last week, so I have put two on Michael’s. Hope that is OK and it will not show up on the police computers. C Stafford (Michael’s father)
For sanity’s sake
Would you please stop before it is too late? Max
They didn’t do it
A member of our society has drawn my attention to a report in your newspaper that seems to suggest that you are going to start a feature called Cripps Corner.
As you will know our society was founded to protect the reputations of figures from our imperial past who unfortunately do not have recourse to the libel laws, being in another place.
Presumably your Cripps Corner is intended to create a forum to discuss the guilt, or otherwise of Dr Crippen who, I do assure you, never committed the crimes of which he is accused despite the coincidence that he wore a beard. Rev Albert Crippen, chair/treasurer, Richard III is Innocent, OK! Society, Boodle,
Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
Drop the copy
Please send copy of Beresford’s column on constipation as a matter of urgency. Maybelle Rees, Pigg’s Peak, Swaziland
Guess who …
I am not potty. Yours truly. “Anonymous”, c/o The Presidency
I’m misunderstood
I did not write a column warning of the dangers of constipation although, of course, they are known to be considerable.
Attached (below) is a letter addressed to you that was presented to me by a stranger who accosted me in the street. David Beresford, Another Country, Poste restante, The Broom Cupboard, Mail & Guardian
Be warned
Put Beresford back or else … (Signature indecipherable), chief of staff, Enabled People’s Liberation Army
Stop press!
Krisjan Lemmer
Tears and sobbing came from the broom cupboard next to Lemmer’s well-appointed office as the would-be popular columnist Beresford was finally carried away by the men in white coats shortly after deadline. Thank heavens; no more out-of tune renditions of “Eine kleine nacht muzak”, or whatever they call it!
It transpires that he had become crazed with envy at Lemmer’s fat post-bags, having only received one letter himself since his chronically disabled column started at the turn of the century and that a complaint from a reader bored by his repeated appearances under the shower.
He tried to provoke controversy by suggesting the president was potty and the country was braindead.
He was eventually driven to write letters to the editor himself with predictably tragic consequences as fantasy took over from reality.
The ruse was discovered and he was finally apprehended when, believing himself sufficiently disguised by donning sandals and a monk’s habit and dusting chalk powder into his beard, he attempted to deliver a stone tablet to the editor commanding him to stop filling his usual space with letters of derision.
Lemmer understands he will be on exhibition at Bathaven hospital on Sundays, entrance 25c.