THE post is sometimes very slow in these parts of the Groot Marico, so a wonderful epistle from Coen Vermaak, leader of the Boerestaat Party, dated February 9, has only recently arrived on Oom Krisjan’s barstool. They say politics makes strange bedfellows, but who would have thought that the far-side right, the Pope and President Thabo Mbeki would have such similar views on modern problems?
Entitled Aids, Looking for the Truth, the release starts reasonably – if not grammatically – enough by saying that the ”Aids lobby and the Aids dissidents have moved so far away from each other that there are no hope to get the truth about Aids”.
But after that opening salvo of logic, Coen brings out the batty blunderbuss and blasts away at everything in sight. Firstly he uses a convoluted religious explanation – that completely baffled our local dominee – then reverts to safer ground by turning to the example of a chicken farm. Stripped of all the agricultural details, he suggests that if more of your chickens are dying than usual, you might have a problem.
But the most recent census (a human version of counting your chickens), he argues, did not show any sudden increase in the death rate. No extra deaths equals no new disease, obviously.
He admits those pesky Aids activists who claim ”cemeteries are overflowing and hospitals can’t cope” might have a point, but: ”There are such a massive influx of illegal emigrants and a movement from the rural to the urban that this is no argument at all.”
By now Coen is on a roll. He claims as a fact that ”the normal occurring pores in a condom cannot stop a virus” – something the media and condom distributors conveniently ignore. ”Condoms can only stop sperm cells and not viruses,” he asserts.
”Getting back to the chicken farm where thousands are dying from all kinds of diseases, does it make sense to sterilise all hens and remove all the cocks?” he ends with a flourish.
Lemmer suggests that Mbeki invite Vermaak around to share a little (medicinal) whisky and exchange favourite website addresses. Who needs Kortbroek when you’ve got such a soulmate among the volk?
Did you hear…
Rumours of rocky finances at the Financial Mail seems to be given substance by a directive to writers from managing editor David Furlonger last week. Not content with retrenching 12 staff members, the weekly magazine will be saving tickeys by fining hacks for late or shoddy work. For the Top Companies survey, ”all deadlines are to be met without fail. Late delivery of copy, pictures and illustrations will result in writers being financially penalised. Penalties will also apply where copy is below standard,” Furlonger writes. It seems staff are queuing up to join the ”Dirty Dozen” in flight from the FM.
Hole in none
Lemmer, who’s never swung a club in anger, believes a hole in one is the high point of a golfer’s round. A hole in one’s pocket, though, is something of which Oom Krisjan has had much experience. So there’s much sympathy in the Dorsbult Bar for Darren Fichardt, winner of the Zimbabwean Open in November last year.
The South African was probably looking forward to buying some lekker Christmas presents with his slice of the R1-million prize money, as players in previous years had been paid a couple of weeks after the Sunshine Tour event.
The organisers assured everyone that they had the money – in Zimbabwean dollars – in a bank account. However, political turmoil, the resultant currency nosedive and a hard-nosed attitude by the Zimbabwean Reserve Bank have meant no one has been paid their prize money. Fichardt’s bank balance will not be improving significantly until at least late next month, when the Sunshine Tour board meets to discuss the situation.
Oom Krisjan notes, however, that the madness of king Bob has resulted in him having difficulty rounding up courtiers. Not many people want to join Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe’s Cabinet, as they are worried about their kids’ future education overseas, and really concerned at people squizzing over their foreign bank accounts.
Trolley rage
You’ve got to be slightly crazy to live in crime-plagued South Africa, some people believe. That’s not a widely held notion in the fiercely patriotic Dorsbult Bar, however, but a recent story is making the manne wonder whether the nation might be slightly off its trolley after all.
According to a recent e-mail purportedly emanating from a crime prevention officer at the University of Natal, syndicates of shopping thieves are operating in piesangland. These mall rats work in conjunction with supermarket cashiers. While your attention is diverted, your till slip is surreptitiously handed to one of the bad guys, who then offers to push your trolley to your car. Instead of going to your vehicle, however, he will take your goods to his own car and start unloading them. When you start to remonstrate, he will produce your slip and, well, with the cashier in on the game you are unlikely to end up with your groceries.
Now Lemmer is not completely au fait with the etiquette of shopping, and he knows there’s many a slip twixt the till and the boot but, to paraphrase the Oscar who hasn’t been so much in the news this week, to lose some of your shopping is unfortunate, to lose all of it is careless – particularly in this manner.
Size counts
Oom Krisjan has heard the internet referred to as the information superhighway so he is not surprised to hear of a bit of highway robbery in the name of patriotism. A United States website has been inundating the dorsbult with e-mails offering ”peace of mind” for just $39,95. What this gets you is the ”safe-suit solution” – an outrageous piece of attire for protection against anthrax – and a ”large American flag”. Considering that their definition of ”large” is 90cm x 60cm, the manne were a little worried what they might consider ”safe”.
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