ACKNOWLEDGING that your child is turning into a sexual being is, for parents, one of the greatest challenges of adolescence – especially when it seems to come so fast on the heels of childhood.
I recently made a few dismal attempts at offering sex education tips to my 12-year-old daughter (‘sex should be special,’ ‘virginity is a precious thing’) – and all because that four-letter word, ‘boys’, has entered her vocabulary.
Like many parents, I’ve been taken unawares by the sudden onset of adolescence and am aghast at the overt sexual behaviour of some of her peers. So much has changed since I was a teenager: back then, 14 was the age when the first girls in my class lost their virginity, while 16 was more normal and 17 or 18 the average. There has been a steady downward trend in the age of first sexual intercourse since the 1950s, when the average age was 21. Now it is 16.
A condition aptly named ‘precocious puberty’ is one related factor: girls are becoming sexually mature younger. A hundred years ago, menstruation started at 15; today, the average age is 12. But, just as significantly, even pre-pubescent girls are encouraged to think of themselves as sexual beings. Pre-teens dress like Kylie Minogue in crop tops and hipster jeans.
In the United States, a book about children’s sexuality, Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children From Sex, is causing a storm, ahead of next month?s publication. Its author, Judith Levine, argues that young Americans, though bombarded with sexual images from the media, are often deprived of realistic advice about sex. This heresy has been enough to provoke a campaign of vilification from commentators, activists and parents.
Jane Stanley, a freelance PR consultant, agrees that you can?t underestimate media pressure. She believes that girls like her 12-year-old daughter Millie are in danger of skipping a process of maturation: ‘Their behaviour is that of 16- and 17-year-olds’ and they look like it, too’ but they don’t have the chance to find out what to think and feel about things.’
She describes her daughter’s social life as junior-league clubbing – ticket-only events for 12- to 16-year-olds which, while well supervised, encourage young girls to dress up and wear make-up, in other words to rush forward to embrace a culture they’re not mature enough to understand.
Dr John Coleman, author of Sex and Your Teenager, believes some parents of teenagers need to change their attitudes about teenage sex and drug use because society has changed. He acknowledges, though, that having sex too young can be both damaging to a child and distressing to the parent. ‘If a parent is deeply upset by their daughter already being sexually active at the age of 12 or 13, there’s no point in locking the bedroom door. What’s important is to tell her how you feel: in other words, say that you think it’s far too young, but if they’re going to do it, you’re going to help them do it safely.’
Judging from my conversation with six girls aged 12 and 13, it would appear that girls like Millie are only a step away from having sex. These girls seem confident and strong, and are proud to be asked about their sexuality. They inhabit a world where there is abundant discussion of sex, and the way they articulate their feelings suggests how much they’ve been raised on ‘soap’ culture. They may not say it outright, but being sexually active is clearly considered cool.
All but one have kissed a boy, but none have yet lost their virginity. Even at 12, these girls are being called ‘frigid’ by boys who aren’t getting what they want. Tara (13) says she was at a party when a boy presented himself for a blow job. She told him to get lost. ‘I’d have bitten it,’ shrieks her friend, still in that twilight zone of finding sex both fascinating and disgusting.
At an age when the peer group is suddenly much more important than the family, it’s not easy for parents. ‘Communication is the most important thing to focus on,’ says Dr Coleman. ‘Teenagers want to know their parents are concerned about them. If you can get that right, you’ve won half the battle.’
But the pressure is intense: the girls claim to be constantly fending off boys. Some have repeatedly been asked for sex. ‘My answer is ‘When I’m old enough’,’ declares Scarlet, the most assertive of the group of girls I spoke to. She wants to wait until 16, but suspects it?ll probably be 14.
Tara is the most sexually aware of the group. ‘My mum can’t believe I fancy boys already and tells me to take contraception because she?s not looking after the consequences.’
She confesses that she’d much rather her mother was like other mothers, anxious about their daughters becoming sexually active too young. ‘But at least it makes me more determined not to turn into the person my mum expects me to become,’ she says.
Names have been changed