“Authors and writers come away intrigued by the depth, complexity and paradoxical nature of the man. Heads of state and ambassadors come away deeply impressed with his grasp of the modern economy and the dynamics of global integration and the clarity with which he pursues his long-term goals.”
Compared to what was to come, the above was the fairly pallid opening paragraph in a full-page article published two Sundays ago in the new, improved, 12-page Sunday Independent. Headed “Getting to grips with South Africa’s presidential paradox”, it was written by John Battersby, until recently editor of that urgent Sabbath broadsheet.
I had intended last week to devote this column to detailed analysis of Mr Battersby’s stunning encomium. The trouble was that I only got around to reading his piece when I was banging up against deadline and I didn’t want to denigrate so compelling an essay by saying something hasty. All I could do was slip in a brief admiration of John as “Mbeki’s personal wet-wipe”.
This amiable comment was printed opposite an equally amiable one in last week’s Krisjan Lemmer column which suggested that John Battersby had somehow managed to affix his entire head to the presidential behind. For some reason or other, these comments caused great distress in Sour Street for they elicited a squeaky response from South Africa’s other “satirical” drag act, the Karen Bliksem column – usually written by one of her nipples.
I can’t speak for Howard Barrell, the editor of the Mail & Guardian, who was accused by Karen of being the author of the Krisjan comment, but I take full responsibility for calling John Battersby a wet-wipe. I now admit that this was cursory and unworthy of the obviously sincere effort Mr Battersby put into an article that set a new benchmark for sycophancy.
Where do you start in analysing a piece of colonic speleology as penetrating as the Battersby tongue? Phrases like: “All are affected by his urbane manner; his charisma and sense of engagement with the mission at hand” are everywhere. Scarcely have you got your sick-bag around than up comes “dresses more immaculately than the British, quotes the giants of English literature and is at ease with giants of the British intellectual establishment”, then the exciting metaphoric switchback of “Mbeki clearly has an intense grasp of the delicate balancing act he has to pull off to ensure that South Africa’s phased transition to democracy is not derailed”.
It’s hard to know which was John’s most lubricious probe but “He is Socratic, inquiring and inclusive in his approach and constantly attempts to draw the questioner into a consensus which can then be used to build his next point and leave the sceptics and disbelievers behind” makes me agree with Krisjan Lemmer who clearly hadn’t underrated John’s proctal navigation techniques.
In the context of recent attempts by our government to improve its “communication” with the media, Battersby’s piece is a small masterwork. It should be preserved in the Independent Newspaper archives – in dark yellow aspic. The no less than six photographs of the president that accompanied the full page article must also be kept secure for posterity. The peach in that subsidiary collection is one captioned “A man of the people”, which was a shot of a woman on her knees kissing the presidential hand.
Apart from ensuring that he gets one of the first “cumalong-goodie-journalist” flips in the presidential jet, John’s article seems very much like a career move. Misconception is not much at stake each time President Mbeki deploys what John calls his “nuanced complexity” in order to play accomplice to the Mugabe hoodlum, each time his public huggings of Mugabe lend legitimacy to subhuman Zimbabwe political crimes. For you have to be both purblind and stupid not to notice certain parallels in thinking between the current version of the African National Congress and Zanu-PF – Socratic or not. So you have to wonder whether, in writing about Mbeki the way he does, John Battersby isn’t cocking an eye at the good fortunes of political suckerfish like Jonathan Moyo? After all, John’s reached about as far as he can go in Independent Newspapers. With this article he’s now squirmed himself hard up against the cringe membrane. One inch further and one of the subs might well slug him.
“It was clear … that simplistic, popular solutions to complex problems are anathema to him,” wrote John, as he negotiated the right hepatic flexure. “Those who count themselves among Mbeki’s inner circle know they are not dealing with an ordinary man.” Tell me that doesn’t make incumbent presidential communications adviser, Hony Teard, just a little nervous about his job.
Of course, the assembling of just these few phrases from John Battersby’s article does insufficient credit to what, when read as an entity, is a magnificent piece. True, John slipped in a few genial and painstakingly sanitised caveats about the president’s mortal doings; by this device it may and probably will be claimed that the thing was balanced.
And superbly well Vaselined.
Archive: Previous columns by Robert Kirby