Back in the 1970s, when Oom Krisjan was a much younger man, Monty Python’s Flying Circus were his favourite comedians. John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin and the rest of the Pythons took the mickey out of just about everything, but bureaucratic nonsense was one of their favourite targets. To this day, Cleese’s “Ministry of Silly Walks” skit remains one of Lemmer’s best-loved visual gags.
The official renaming of several towns in Limpopo (Louis Trichardt remains the same because some functionary had overlooked that Makhado — its proposed replacement name — had been pirated by some other dorp in the province several decades ago) made Oom Krisjan think that perhaps we in South Africa need a Ministry of Silly Names. Not only could lots of jobs be found for neefs and niggies of senior officials totally unqualified for other government work but requiring a big salary, but this ministry could oversee all the new names we need to think up because there’s nothing else to waste the money on.
This train of thought came into being after a missive arrived at the Dorsbult from FlyingWithPride.co.za — which is not South African Airways’s website, thus becoming in itself a contender for ministerial action. This group’s concern is slightly closer to the ground — our national flag. To coincide with the 10th anniversary of democracy in ons land, they wish to find a nickname for the flag.
After running an Internet competition for a name, this new flying circus has handed responsi-bility for finding a name over to the government.
They did, however, send out a list of about 100 names that have already been suggested, ranging from the toe-curling (God’s Gift to Us) to the derivative (Rainbow Warrior), with some humour along the way (AmaFlappaFlappa).
Lemmer’s knowledge of vexillology is limited, but he’s always thought it was called Old Y-Fronts.
Slip-shod protest
During Wednesday’s protest march through the streets of Jozi, municipal workers set about further trashing the city in their own inimi-table fashion. One marcher, however, got a little carried away by the spirit of the occasion. After kicking over a road-side rubbish bin (thus ensuring her co-workers would have even more to do when they get back to work), she set about redistributing its contents along the street. Among the garbage was a banana skin and — in true slapstick tradition — she attempted to boot it … and landed flat on her bottom. Unfortunately, this news- paper’s photographers (who recounted the episode to Oom Krisjan) were laughing too much to capture the image for posterity.
Muddy waters
The mud has been flying so fast and so furiously between the African National Congress and the Inkatha Freedom Party recently that all the players are beginning to resemble contestants in a mud-wrestling pit. Some might say there’s about the same amount of dignity attached to the two activities, but that’s another matter.
The latest spat concerns the IFP holding its national council meeting in a caucus room in the legislative building in Ulundi — without paying for the privilege. The ANC clambered aboard its high horse and denounced this “continued abuse of government facilities”, demanding that the IFP “pay what is due, and pay it now”. It further slagged the opposition by claiming that the abuse starts at the top, with IFP ministers living rent-free in Ulundi.
Inkatha responded by pointing out that party leier the prince-formerly-known-as-Gatsha Buthelezi is one of only two ministers who pay rent for their homes in Cape Town, and that the ANC uses national government buildings to host its parliamentary caucus.
We’d call it a soap opera if the water wasn’t so dirty.
Remoter control
It’s been pointed out to Lemmer that there was no need to make a fuss about the two political plakkers who run Phalaborwa from Polokwane. After all, the president is usually a lot further away from Cape Town.
Samson and Bruno
The World Cup is finally over, bringing an end to squabbles over the television remote in the Dorsbult bar, and Lemmer can go back to watching the rugby in peace. But among the goals and the foul play in the East were some delightful non sequiturs. This was a Korean journalist questioning the Senegal coach: “Mr [Bruno] Metsu, explain your victory over France in relation to the length of your hair.”
Oom Krisjan can’t wait for someone to ask Rudolf Straeuli to explain a Bok victory in relation to the length of Barbie Skinstad’s tongue.
Yebo Watergate
As any history teacher will tell you, once the European powers realised the value (and the valuable minerals) of the dark continent, they embarked on an undignified “Scramble for Africa” during which they carved up for themselves all the bits they wanted. As any political observer will tell you, there’s another scramble for Africa on at the moment — and it’s not being led by the Europeans.
In the Democratic Republic of Congo, South Africa’s Vodacom and Alcatel are doing their unselfish bit as part of a group called African Wireless. Among this company’s executive vice-presidents is one Donald Segretti. According to the African Wireless website: “Mr. Donald Segretti Esq. has practised law in California since 1978. With a B.S. in Finance from the University of Southern California and JD from University of California, Berkley, Mr. Segretti entered the US Army where he served as a Captain and JAG officer before going into private practice.”
But Oom Krisjan remembers Segretti from a little before 1978. This upstanding American spent nearly five months in prison in 1974 for distributing illegal campaign literature, including a letter that falsely claimed that a Democratic senator, Henry “Scoop” Jackson, had fathered an illegitimate child with a 17-year-old girl. Yes, our Donald was part of Tricky Dicky Nixon’s Watergate team.
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