The government’s websites are a source of constant amusement to the manne at the Dorsbult, and a rich source for material for this column. But sometimes the gems are buried.
Take a tender announcement from the Department of Arts, Culture, Science and Technology last week (www.gov.za/tenders/).
Apparently the department is looking for a consultant “to develop and implement a whilst blowing hotline”.
Oom Krisjan assumes this “whilst blowing hotline” has something to do with the government’s HIV/Aids awareness programme and its purpose would be to supply “just-in-time” information about the merits of using condoms for oral sex. Alternatively, could it serve the needs of frustrated heavy breathers?
However, more likely it is a typographical error and the department is looking for someone to organise a whistle-blowing hotline. If so, Lemmer is even more concerned by the next sentence: “Please note that a compulsory information session will be held on 12 August 2002 at 11:00, at the department at the Orange Nassau Building, 188 Schoeman Street, between Bosman and Paul Kruger Streets, Pretoria.” That’s just next to the Lubyanka.
Get in the queue
One of Oom Krisjan’s least favourite activities is standing in queues, particularly at the post office while waiting to get the phone reconnected. So he was delighted to be reliably informed that the staff at the Hercules Post Office in Tshwane have provided some amusement for those who stand and wait.
Instead of posters about how to buy phonecards, these helpful folk have provided condom-dispensers. If the idea catches on and customers make use of the free items, standing in line will not be so dull after all.
Load of bull
Cownomics is Lemmer’s speed when it comes to understanding economics. In traditional capitalism, for example, you have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, the economy grows and you sell the cattle and retire on the income.
Now someone who understands the topic sent Lemmer a list to help him understand the differences between countries based on cownomics.
Taking as a baseline that you have the fabled two cows:
In a United States corporation, you sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
In France, you go on strike because you want three cows.
In Japan you redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
In Germany you re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
In Britain both are mad.
In Italy you might have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
In Russia you count your two cows and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
In Switzerland you have 5 000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
In a Hindu corporation you worship the two cows.
In China you have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
In an Arkansas corporation you have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute …
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store — and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, you should complain?
Big bother
The Congress of South African Trade Unions’s normally balanced general secretary, Zwelinzima Vavi, seems to have caught spook fever after watching too much Big Brother. He assured listeners during a recent speech: “Every trade union movement across the world has been queuing up to learn from us in order to develop the same strengths. But our enemies have been equally hard at work. These enemies of the working class have developed a justified fear of our strengths. Indeed, the most frequent visitor to the Cosatu home page or website is the CIA.”
IQ blues
Blue IQ is Gauteng’s “plan for a smart province”, but there wasn’t too much smartness on display when the Jozi Metro opened its new, improved Bree Street taxi rank this week. Oom Krisjan hears that this fine new facility — in theory, anyway — caused more problems than it set out to solve as commuters had not been properly informed about the changes and couldn’t find their regular transportation, taxi drivers ignored most of the changes, and traffic congestion (which the new rank was meant to lessen) was worse than usual.
Manto-mime
Latest in Lemmer’s series on what MS-Word does to South African names and places is our health minister. Manto Tshabalala-Msimang in its entirety is beyond Bill’s gate, but Msimang itself has some interesting alternatives. The spellcheck suggests this should be Miming (as in the president), Maiming (as in HIV victims), Mismanage or Misaiming (as in kindly donated funds to KwaZulu-Natal).
Smooth sounds
Black mining magnate Patrice Motsepe defiantly refuses to be constrained by the tag of being black or, more importantly, African.
In every instance he has spoken about black economic empowerment he has implied that the markets, rather than any other consideration, should drive empowerment. His recently listed company ARM also espouses his urbane, cosmopolitan outlook. If you call, the holding music is not from, say, Kaya FM as many would expect from a young black company. It is from Classic FM.
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